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I'm going to speak out about something very private, but I think is a necessary discussion. I grew up in domestic violence. It's a twisted situation & anyone who says, "Just leave them," has no idea what actually happens psychologically to those who are victims of abuse.
Usually the abuser themselves was once the abused. Typically, they share their personal story w/their victims, often to justify what they are doing. It's normal for them to say things like, "You're not really going through abuse, let me tell you what REAL abuse is like..."
This is so you will empathize with them. If you depend on them as a spouse or child, your mind is being molded to allow them to continue abusing you. You make excuses for this person BECAUSE you love and rely on them. They know that.
They will also say they can't control themselves, citing mental health challenges. They'll apologize & promise to change, but make very little progress. Despite admitting they have a problem, it's rare for an abuser to actually get truly qualified help (for a variety of reasons).
Then they'll begin to blame you for why they do what they do. My abuser's favorite excuse was, "You were an obstinate child who never listened to what you were told." When referring to the other adult in the situation, "If you would stop running your mouth, I wouldn't snap."
Bc you know the background of the abuser, you start to take responsibility for the abuse. After all, YOU'RE triggering them & you know they have a problem, so clearly you're the one in the wrong. The abuser leans into this twisted logic so that they are never held accountable.
Some people abuse others because they get some perverse pleasure in being cruel. Others do it to feel like they're in control. At the end of the day, the reasons don't matter. It's always wrong. They always have a choice. They
keep choosing to hurt you.
keep choosing to hurt you.
Other ways they will abuse you: keep you from having any dignity or self esteem.
My abuser could buy themselves workout & health food stuff, but couldn't pay for a proper school lunch (also refused to get food stamps). Forced the other adult to shop at thrift stores...
My abuser could buy themselves workout & health food stuff, but couldn't pay for a proper school lunch (also refused to get food stamps). Forced the other adult to shop at thrift stores...
Because if you have self esteem, you'll find the strength to leave.
My childhood bff was in a psychologically abusive relationship & she was not allowed to dress nicely or put on makeup. Abuser would ask who she was looking nice for & why was she putting lipstick on a pig?
My childhood bff was in a psychologically abusive relationship & she was not allowed to dress nicely or put on makeup. Abuser would ask who she was looking nice for & why was she putting lipstick on a pig?
Abusive relationships never start out this way. After all, why would you get into a relationship with someone this horrible? The abuse develops over time. It starts out innocuous and then builds to something heinous.
If you're materially dependent on your abuser, the last thing you want is for that person to get in trouble. After all, how will you feed yourself? Where will you live? Because they isolate you and destroy your self worth, you don't think anyone will help you.
If you're a child, like I was, your abuser will tell you things like, "If you go to CPS, they'll put you in foster care and you'll be separated from your family & be continually sexually abused." (True story.)
You're groomed to think that their abuse is the safest alternative.
You're groomed to think that their abuse is the safest alternative.
They sink their claws into controlling their victim's finances, physical health, social connections... the list goes on and on.
And countless institutions will help them to do this! My family was deeply involved in the church, and they knew what was happening.
And countless institutions will help them to do this! My family was deeply involved in the church, and they knew what was happening.
The local cops and CPS knew what was going on, we were calling them every few months. It wasn't until my abuser nearly paralyzed someone in our house that the state FINALLY pressed charges and gave that person a record.
And while I am deeply anti-police-state, you know what? Suddenly, magically, my abuser stopped being abusive. Because now there were consequences. Now they were being watched and held accountable.
STILL the other adult in the situation continued to stay w/ the abuser. Why? Because they fully believed they could not make it as a single parent. That their only social circle (approved + monitored by the abuser) would abandon them for not being "godly" and getting a divorce.
We lived our lives in abject terror for YEARS because the abuser was SO THOROUGH at destroying the other adult's self esteem, autonomy, and so much more.
So the next time you think, "That person being abused should just leave." Check yourself. Be a friend and reach out, instead of being a judgmental dick. Abuse happens in layers. It's not just getting hit, or having resources withheld. It strips away your humanity.
And if you have the means, please help our dear community member & their autistic son who is being abused right now: https://www.gofundme.com/f/securing-safe-long-term-housing?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=m_pd+share-sheet
