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Hello. I am now going to talk about toilets. For a long time.
A while ago, I broke my toilet by sitting on it too emphatically. Specifically, one of the bolts that holds the toilet seat in place snapped. I assumed that this is because I am an incompetent human being who cannot do anything gracefully.
I took the broken bolt to the hardware store to get replacements. I couldn't find any that looked like the ones I was attempting to replace. I asked for help. The hardware dude handed me a package of "universal" toilet bolts. It did not look right. He assured me it was fine.
I came home and attempted to install them but the way they were different from the ones they were replacing made them not fit for purpose. I improvised - pushing them up until the latch caught - but the seat was still wiggly af. "Universal" my toilet-breaking butt.
So I emailed the plumber, specifically for help with vocabulary so I could find the right ones because even "bolt" was a stretch for me and "toilet seat bolt with a small round part and then a fixed space and then a bigger round part" is not a useful search term.
The plumber said "just replace the whole seat." This annoyed me from an environmental perspective, but a wiggly seat could mean more snapped bolts and right back to where we started so FINE. But if I'm upgrading, I'm UPGRADING.
Years ago, I went to South Korea and one of the highlights of the trip was the toilets. Lighted bowls. Heated seats. Multiple bidet options. Luxury. Based on my toilet research (!!!) some of those require electrical work which... come on. I didn't know the word "bolt."
So I chose options that are not likely to result in me flooding or burning down the house. But here is what I learned in the process: I don't think breaking the bolt was entirely my fault. Did you know there are things called toilet buffers? They keep the seat from wiggling.
I didn't have those. Also, I don't think the plumber properly fastened the bolt in the first place, making the seat more prone to wiggling, making the bolt more prone to snapping over time. I believe. (But sure: I could stand to be more graceful.)
So anyway. Now I have a new toilet seat, with buffers. I also have a bidet. And a toilet bowl light. Still in the process of installing everything because the plumber put all the effort that didn't go into tightening the bolt into tightening the "water supply hose." (Vocabulary!)
(Christ, it's a nightmare. The wrenches that came with the product aren't the right size, and the angle is so awkward - there's only a tiny gap between the toilet and the bathtub, obscured by the tank...
and I have to kneel on the floor and hunch over and use my non-dominant hand. The sound my knee is making is like a computer processor grinding hard. Fortunately, I am very stubborn and consider pain and frustration to increase the reward.)
Anyway. The new toilet bolts are metal rather than plastic, so I think the odds of me managing to snap them are very small.
There is a limit to my stubbornness, though, and that limit is when something is clearly not going to work because I don't have the tools. The water supply valve *will not* loosen; I think it's just rotating inside the tank and I have no solution for this.
So, fine, the bidet is non-functional for now but I have a slow-close lid and toilet buffers and metal bolts and also a bowl that one-eighth of the time looks like a portal to hell.
