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So... about THAT picture... I have thoughts (as I promised @WhereWomenBloom, @SupernovaMomma , and @ElleWCarter ...a thread...)
First - "Yet he gets to lock himself in his office all day while I'm expected to entertain Mila and make breakfast for everyone," she said. "Why can't he do it? Why am I expected to do it all?"
The answer in the article is that he's the primary breadwinner in the family. But that's not an answer to the question. Him making more money is no reason that he can't miss a training or explain to his boss that his wife also has a training at the same time SO HE NEEDS TO PARENT
I see this money argument a LOT. I heard it back when 7 was first born - I needed to let Adam sleep because he had to go to work. Luckily, we both pushed back on that immediately - we are BOTH human beings and we BOTH need sleep.
We are BOTH parents and we will sink or swim together. During the absolute worst times of our son's sleep troubles, I went to bed from 7pm to -midnight and Adam went to bed from midnight to 5am. AND IT SUCKED SO BAD. But he's not a brain surgeon. He can do his job tired.
The moms in this article were all just assumed to be the people who would pick up all the slack. Whether there were dads in the picture or not, whether the dads were actively working or not. It's not just this one picture (although it's certainly representative)
The dad in this picture later made popcorn and TOOK A NAP ON THE COUCH while the mom was still struggling. She said that she'd rather he just stayed in the office so she wouldn't have the illusion of support and I'd rather he
I'd rather he stared into the mirror and asked himself what kind of father he is.
Someone commented that maybe the child would only go to mommy, would refuse to be helped by dad. (Yes, he was).
And look - I fully,FULLY understand the terrifying might of a three-year-olds will
Someone commented that maybe the child would only go to mommy, would refuse to be helped by dad. (Yes, he was).
And look - I fully,FULLY understand the terrifying might of a three-year-olds will
But that excuse is bullshit.
There is no magical power that mothers have. There's simply the expectation that we'll "handle it" and the 10,000 hours we've put in.
Set that expectation for yourself, sir, and then put in the time.
There is no magical power that mothers have. There's simply the expectation that we'll "handle it" and the 10,000 hours we've put in.
Set that expectation for yourself, sir, and then put in the time.
This circles us back to the money. He can't because he's working, right? But so is she. He can't go to work exhausted, but she can? He can't be distracted at work, but she can? He can't go from work straight into parenting and caretaking but she can?
This is a toxic stew of patriarchy and capitalism that has been bubbling in our living rooms, our dining rooms, our closets - wherever we've set up our home "offices".
Moms are starting to see it for what it is - poison.
Moms are starting to see it for what it is - poison.
There is no reason that a mother with a partner should be struggling in the same ways a mother without a partner is. Motherhood is not sacrifice. It is not martyrdom. It is not some magical state of being where you can take more pain.
Fathers, whether they are breadwinners or not, don't need protecting. They can be tired, distracted, stressed, AND STILL PARENT AND STILL WORK. He's not that fragile. He'll be fine.
Maybe he'll wake up, look around, and see what these systems are doing to his family
Maybe he'll wake up, look around, and see what these systems are doing to his family
Deep breath, refocus.
It's capitalism. It's patriarchy. No matter how much you THINK you've escaped both I promise you they're in your relationship.
If we don't want our kids having these same conversations in 20 years there are some things we need to do...
It's capitalism. It's patriarchy. No matter how much you THINK you've escaped both I promise you they're in your relationship.
If we don't want our kids having these same conversations in 20 years there are some things we need to do...
BE HONEST about what is actually happening in your house and what you want to have happen.
TALK A LOT with your partner about what you're seeing, what you need, and what they need.
And....REMEMBER ALWAYS that you are a human being, not a giving machine. And that
TALK A LOT with your partner about what you're seeing, what you need, and what they need.
And....REMEMBER ALWAYS that you are a human being, not a giving machine. And that
And that dad's can handle so much more than we're asking them to right now. They aren't weak or confused or incompetent - even though that's the messaging. If you disappeared tomorrow he'd figure that shit out.
WHICH MEANS HE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.
WHICH MEANS HE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.
That's the end.
I have more to say, but I'll take it to my website and my email list.
( http://graemeseabrook.com )
It really, truly does not have to be like this. If you're a mom who is struggling I will have your back.
I have more to say, but I'll take it to my website and my email list.
( http://graemeseabrook.com )
It really, truly does not have to be like this. If you're a mom who is struggling I will have your back.
*storms back in*
This one is for the dads. I have questions. I asked them before the pandemic and they're even more valid now. Why are you here??? https://www.graemeseabrook.com/essays/dear-dads
This one is for the dads. I have questions. I asked them before the pandemic and they're even more valid now. Why are you here??? https://www.graemeseabrook.com/essays/dear-dads
