I think the reason Abi's coming out still lives in my head is how it resonated with the fact she had to "boymode" for more than a year as she transitioned.

As someone who did do that (and still is for some people) I know the relief when you finally present the way you want.

It really is like taking off a stuffy mask at the end of a long day (an analogy I'm sure most people would be familiar with by now)

But even worse because once you make that breakthrough about yourself, the pull to be who you really are becomes IMMENSE.

Imagine finding out you won a million dollars, but you're not allowed to spend it until some vague, unknown point in the future. The waiting would be unbearable.

And as your body continues to change in ways that make you happier than ever thought possible, you have to take EXTRA steps to hide it! Not only did you win a million dollars, you have to downgrade your lifestyle until you can receive it.

That's why the sheer lightness and relief in her face when she walked out that door lives in my head rent free. When she said "Thank God I don't have to do the voice anymore" I broke into tears. I felt that so hard as someone who had just come out at work a few weeks earlier.

Don't get me wrong, people that come out and present differently as soon as they crack their eggs go through a whole different set of equally valid problems. But boymoding (I don't know if trans mascs use an equivalent term) can be a nightmare in and of itself.

It's bargaining with yourself and can feel like a safety rope that prevents you from plunging too fast into the terrifying abyss of transitioning. But if you keep it too long you get tangled in it and can't move any further. You have to cut the rope, a terrifying ordeal by itself

Then you fall in and it isn't as bad as you thought. Sure it makes you discover new problems, but at least you made progress and you wonder why you clung to that rope for so long and remember the last time you did that: all the way back when you were in denial about being trans

All I'm saying is, coming out publicly is scary, but fulfilling.

I say this as someone who wrote this while trying to burn 10 minutes before putting on my makeup to go clothes shopping with my friends