ok ok doubt anyone will see this but here’s the story of how my eating disorder(s) started just bc i feel comfy enough on here to let it all out !!!

hopefully i don’t get shamed for it though bc honestly i sort of brought it upon myself and i very much own up to it :(( i just feel like this is something i need to get off my chest, nobody else knows this.

the beginning:

i was always a very thin child. i remember always going to family dinners in my country and getting asked whether my parents were feeding me, getting told to stop exercising and to eat more. some adults would even shame me, tell my parents that i looked like a ++

d3ad c0rpse, nearly ... :(( and evening though i was severely underweight, it never bothered me too much bc it didn’t affect my health too much and i absolutely loved to play sports back then and i ate a lot of healthy food to make up for it, so i overall had a great childhood.

this was the case until i turned 12; and i hit puberty. then the weight gain hit, but even then i was within a healthy range for my age. at 12 i was still fine with myself, and my parents were happy that i was just filling out and looking healthier. i was happy, too.

then at 13 years old, i began 7th grade with a few self-conscious thoughts. why did my girl friends have such pretty bodies? am i ugly? why did my stomach stick out like that? thoughts like that ran through my mind every once in a while, but i didn’t pay them much thought.

one day, one of my guy friends texted me. he said he’d overheard a few guys from our grade and the upper one talking about me ... so i grew curious and asked him to spill. he said that they were playing a game of kiss marry kill & when it came to me they said ++

“she’s so fuckable ... if only she grew a pair of tits though. and i promise you the day she does, i’ll fuck her on this exact same bench.”

that’s exactly what he told me. i can remember it word by word because my heart instantly dropped at that second. i read it ++

over and over again, not believing him. i asked him if he was kidding and he said he was dead serious. i had my first ever panic attack that day and i spent the next hour feeling suffocated, shaking and crying. it was the first time that i felt disgusted in my own body.

from that day on, the obsession began. i started wearing my school’s uniform pants instead of the skirt, and i ditched the blouse for a dark oversized sweater. i felt weird and disgusting at the thought of having to walk in front of those boys ever again.

i began body checking everyday when i came back from school, stripping in front of my mirror and checking for every stretch mark, every roll of fat, every spot where my body would jiggle when i walked. i grew so obsessed with my appearance that it got to the point where i ++

physically could not recognize myself in the mirror anymore. my body dysmorphia developed from there onwards & i felt like losing weight = boys not being able to sexualize me again.

that year i developed mild orthorexia ... i felt like i couldn’t live if we had junk food at home and i basically became a fitness addict ??? it was to the point where even my parents had gotten worried about how healthy and un-childlike i was being.

moving on ... one day i was scrolling through a bunch of tumblr health forums and i stumbled upon thinspiration for the first ever time in my life. i allowed myself to click on the post and felt jealousy rip through my body. the person in that picture had the most beautiful body.

thinspo began to take over my life ... i started to develop a lot more disordered thoughts. i started to think about starving and purging, and my mind went crazy, thinking it had unlocked the key to thinness and getting rid of unwanted attention.

side note: ever since puberty ive always been a sorta curvy girl in the sense that i’m pear shaped so i have wider hips and easily gain butt/thigh fat. that had often gotten me catcalled at malls, in the street, etc even at 13/14 ... it made me hate my body.

anyways all while i was indulging in my insane desire for weight loss, i began my first relationship !! i was 14; a smart, sweet— & really fucking naive— girl. i fell in love with a boy with mommy and daddy issues, and (thanks to wattpad) became obsessed with wanting to fix him.

the thing with these boys is ... you CAN’T fix them. all they do is break people.

he was so sweet at first, so gentle and lovable ... but there were so many red flags. he was the most popular boy in my grade ... but he was also well known for being a liar and a fuckboy.

very quickly things between us started to get sour. he would no longer listen to me, would whine and complain to me until i showered him with compliments, would force me to say “i love you” back even though i didn’t feel comfortable saying it back yet ++

and there was so much more. he started fights, gaslighted me into always believing i was in the wrong, manipulated me into doing what he wanted, shamed me for going out with friends/family instead of talking to him, harassed me when i didn’t reply to him in 0.1 seconds ++

TW // sexual harassment, nsfw

he would make me feel so suffocated talking to him, and often sexually harassed me by saying things like “i want to kiss you” “i want to fuck you so bad” “we should have sex” “let me impregnate you” while i was FOURTEEN and UNCOMFORTABLE.

i felt scared of saying no to him so i would always try to play it off but he would get mad. i was so terrified of him that i would often cry myself to sleep bc or how trapped i felt but i was so in love that i felt like letting him go would be the like the end of the world.

there was so much more, so much worse. he oversexualized me and made me feel like my worth was nothing more than my body. he made me forget who i was and why i was there— made me feel like i simply existed to make him feel better about himself. he completely and utterly broke me.

TW // suicide

it got to the point where i attempted to end my life because i didn’t feel like i had a purpose in life anymore. i was going insane and even my best friend wasn’t able to reach me anymore— i didn’t even feel safe in my own home anymore. i was only fucking fourteen.

TW // suicide , death

the breaking point was on the day of sulli’s passing. i had a panic attack because she meant SO much to me, and when i told him he completely dismissed me. he said “i know you’re sad but it’s not like you can do anything about it, calm down.”

i snapped out of everything at that moment. like all my feelings had suddenly shut off?? i just felt so ... angry. so invalidated. i turned off my phone and left. i cried myself to sleep again ... so many thoughts in my head. he knew how much sulli meant to me but he didn’t care.

so much happened between us but i finally grew the guts to break things off between us at the start of 10th grade. i felt so liberated but so fucking empty. i resorted to self destruction as my coping mechanisms for so long until i finally gained myself back.

in the meantime, i found edtwt by accident. i remember reading through posts and feeling like i related so deeply ... like i finally wasn’t invalid. in 10th grade i developed EDNOS ... starving binging purging. it was partly caused by school, partly by my ex, partly by my bdd.

i didn’t join edtwt back when i first found it ... no, the first time i just used it to fuel myself back into disordered behaviors but somehow i found myself again throughout the year and decided to lurk around edtwt again before actually joining in around ?? june/july of 2020 ??

edtwt was terrifying at first but soon it became my safe place. i found amazing people to follow and made amazing moots. i began to learn more and more about myself, and everyday i validated my feelings more and more.

everyday on here helped me heal from the trauma my ex had caused. everyday on here i grew. i smiled. i felt happy and heard and loved. i cried of overwhelming support. i stopped isolating myself and got back in touch with my friends.

call me cheesy but edtwt in a way saved me .... and i’m so fucking grateful. for each and every person that’s ever interacted with me. this was such a long thread but honestly .... it was great to get off my chest. thank you if you’ve read it all, i love you.

i hope one day edtwt can be the reason i choose recovery and happiness.

the end.