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I want to add to this: A lot of the discourse about what we culturally call "narcissism" is about how it looks from the outside -- I very rarely hear anyone talk about what it looks like from the inside and I think it's important. https://twitter.com/fibrofuckboy/status/1357144327223455745
One way to think about narcissistic traits is that they're an expression of indistinct boundaries of the self. When you're not sure where you end and other people begin, when it's hard to tell what's 'you' and what's 'other people' it's easy to act controlling of other people.
When you don't have a stable base of sense of self, and all your information about what you are comes from the reflections you see around you, it makes sense to want to put yourself only in situations and around people that give you positive reflections.
Narcissistic traits often come with what's called a "sadistic superego" - an internal voice that's constantly bombarding you with hatred and cruelty. That creates the need to surround yourself with positive external reinforcement to try to prove that voice wrong.
NO MENTAL ILLNESS IS INHERENTLY ABUSIVE. I'm gonna let this be its own tweet in the thread so you pay attention. NO MENTAL ILLNESS IS INHERENTLY ABUSIVE.
The internal patterns and experiences that fall under the umbrella "narcissistic traits" can result in abusive behaviors that, because people can prioritize trying to build a set of positive reflections & fighting the sadistic superego over the subjectivity and agency of others.
But any type of illness that causes intense distress can lead to behaviors that prioritize alleviation of that distress over the agency of others. Being a person with any type of chronic illness necessitates managing the way your symptoms impact your treatment of others.
When I'm having intense derealization - or when I'm in intense physical pain - I can be an asshole. It's not my responsibility to not be ill, but it's my responsibility to be kind, which means understanding these things and compensating for them in my relationships.
It's my responsibility to build relationships that can hold me when I'm in pain, and it's my responsibility to learn about the ways my pain can make me an asshole and work to counter them.
One more time: NO MENTAL ILLNESS IS INHERENTLY ABUSIVE. When you use "narcissist" to mean "abuser" you're using language about experience to describe behavior and it makes me trust you less.
OK that's it thank you for your time. Tip your waiter and be rigorous in your kindness.