“How can you be gay & celibate & not inherently self-hating?”

I get asked this question a LOT. People assume that the only reason a gay person would be celibate is internalized homophobia.

But they’re wrong.

Gay people can be celibate for all kinds of reasons.

Maybe they just don’t like sex very much and don’t particularly want to have it. Yes, it’s possible to have a sex drive and experience sexual attraction but still not enjoy having sex.

Or maybe they’re just asexual and don’t experience sexual attraction in the first place. Yes, gay people can be asexual and asexual people can be gay.

Maybe they just don’t like the jealousy and co-dependence and attachment issues that often coincide with sexual relationships, so they and their partner maintain a platonic relationship instead.

Yes, it’s possible to be a sexual person who is only interested in platonic relationships.

Maybe they follow a religious tradition that requires gay celibacy. Yes, gay ppl can be perfectly ok with their own sexuality, perfectly ok with other gays getting married & having sex, & yet STILL choose to practice traditional religious beliefs.

Yes, it’s possible to be celibate because you happen to appreciate your religious tradition & not because you hate yourself or want to force your religion onto others.

Maybe they’ve experienced some kind of trauma in their past and find celibacy to be a source of healing. Yes, it’s possible to be celibate because it helps you HEAL from trauma, NOT because it’s an expression of trauma.

Or maybe they just like the person they are when they’re celibate. Yes, it’s possible to discover that celibacy makes you a better person. That doesn’t mean you think you’re better than everyone. It just means *you* are the best version of *yourself* when you’re celibate.

I could keep going, but I think you get the point. Gay people can be celibate for a million different reasons that have NOTHING to do with internalized homophobia.

The notion that gay celibacy automatically equals self-hatred stems from the false belief that sex is necessary for self-fulfillment. It’s not.

Maybe celibacy is not for you. And that’s okay. No one should ever force celibacy onto other people. That IS wrong. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with gay people choosing celibacy for themselves.

Gay people don’t need others telling us how to be liberated. We get to choose our own liberation. Maybe what we choose is not your own cup of tea. But as long as we’re not forcing you to drink *our* cup of tea, we can still get along and be friends.