Dear @googlenest,

You know when you tell me the alarm is about to sound and it's going to be really loud?

Like, when I burn toast or something?

And how, after I've lunged desperately for my phone and panic searched for the app, I discover that you've signed me out of it?

Then, once I've managed to frantically punch in the right password, you tell me you're not quite ready to let me in just yet, but good news, you've emailed me a verification code?

(This is, of course, while you're gently informing me, in your soothing voice, that the alarm WILL sound, and that it will be VERY LOUD INDEED.)

Then, when I check my email, the code email isn't there?

And I refresh.

And I refresh again.

And again.

Then I ask you for another code, because, I don't know, maybe you forgot to send me one the first time?

And I refresh.

And refresh again...and the code email appears!

So I rush back to the app and I enter the code.

And you tell me the code is wrong.

It turns out I've entered the FIRST email code that finally arrived, but now I need the SECOND email code.

"The alarm may sound. The alarm is LOUD."

I'll admit the details get a little fuzzy at this point, as I live out the connected home version of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

("As your home IT specialist, I advise that you immediately take these quaaludes and never, EVER make toast again.")

Maybe I asked for a third code? I'm not entirely sure, due to my overwhelming, white hot, blinding desire to NOT hear the Very Loud Alarm that you continue to remind me about.

So I guess you can blame this next part on me.

Which you do, because you tell me—in no uncertain terms—that there have been "Too many incorrect attempts."

But you show me mercy, despite my many transgressions. It's OK, you say. This whole situation can be easily fixed.

You only have one small, simple request. You ask that I

Enter my email and password again to get a new verification code.

There is a happy ending. I do finally manage to use my phone, and my account, to get back into an app that I never, ever, sign out of.

(I like to stay signed into the app because, evidently, I burn a lot of toast.)

Meanwhile, as I was busy attempting to access Advanced Smart Home Technology, much smarter people were opening windows and the smoke has now cleared.

And the method they used to keep that Very Loud Alarm from sounding?

A broom handle.

Disaster averted, and I will live to toast another day.

(The toast, unfortunately, was not so lucky.)

But I do have one modest proposal.

A small feature that I know you'd take great pleasure in providing, just for me.

At such time that I'm allowed back in the kitchen, and the inevitable plume of smoke wafts up from the toaster, or the pot, or the pan—but before summoning the Very Loud Alarm—I'd like you to take a moment to ask me one simple question:

Are you cooking?