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me having intrusive thoughts as a child: i am an affront to all human individuals
me having intrusive thoughts as an adult: yet another cursed day with these wicked thoughts,,, pass me the klonopin as i must take a Nap
me having intrusive thoughts as an adult: yet another cursed day with these wicked thoughts,,, pass me the klonopin as i must take a Nap
i wish someone had told elementary school me that thinking a bad thing and being horrified at your own thoughts and feeling intense shame for even allowing those ideas to enter your brain is not the same as wanting to do that or taking pleasure in those thoughts
but nOoOoOoOoOo!!! i had to learn it the hard way (by watching BoJack Horseman, season 4, episode 6, “Stupid Piece of Shit”)!!!
i know that episode doesn’t go into the intrusive thoughts i’m referring to in these tweets, but it was the first time i felt not alone for thinking disgusting things about myself, which led me to further understanding that mentally ill brains gaslight themselves
the intrusive thoughts i’m talking about here are less about my self-worth and more about horrendous action to take in the moment. a lot of intrusive thoughts are about enacting some kind of taboo ritual—your brain is pulling at straws, desperate to find the worst thing to think
of course, this is inherently connected to your self worth because your brain is trying to convince you that you’re evil because you’re thinking about [REDACTED]. however, not everyone’s intrusive thoughts are as palatable as “i’m the worst; how dare i exist”
my intrusive thoughts as a child were often triggered by overstimulation. i felt guilty for 1. being overstimulated, 2. being the “cause” of the problem (bc no one else was having trouble), and 3. the horrific thoughts of violent actions to stop the source of the stimulation
and i wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD (the presumed cause of my sensory issues) until i was in high school. yes, i learned to mask very well, but part of it was that i was too ashamed to admit the thoughts in my brain. i myself was horrified by them—everyone else would be, too
there are so many kinds of “intrusive thoughts” despite the fact that society only acknowledges one type—negative self-talk. it’s the most popular, but the attention to it over all others further feeds into what’s accepted as “mentally ill” and what’s considered “insane”
