I may not be running for mayor, but I love a good questionnaire. Here's what my team and I came up with: (1/15) https://twitter.com/JCColtin/status/1356670120517656584

1. In 500 words or less, please define “bodega” as a socio-historical concept. You may cite up to five sources.

With apologies to Potter Stewart, a bodega is like pornography—you know it when you see it. (2/15)

The longer one lives in New York, the better one gets at differentiating between a bodega and, say, a deli. It becomes instinctual. Intuitive. Not unlike being able to tell a diner from a coffee shop. Or a roach from a silverfish. (3/15)

And while there are definitely things you might find in a bodega that you could also find in a deli, or a smoke shop, or a corner store, the likelihood of an establishment actually being a bodega is exponentially increased by the presence of any of the following: (4/15)

A yellow awning.
Chips that cost 25 cents.
An ATM that gives tens.
A cat.
Loose candy sold at the counter that’s NOT Ferrero Rocher.
And most importantly, bacon egg and cheese the way you want it. (5/15)

2. Which term accurately describes New York's winter weather?
A) cold
B) freezing
C) brick

The correct answer is
D) It could be worse. You could live in Jersey. (6/15)

3. A pair of tourists are walking too slow directly in front of you. How do you handle the situation and where will you be burying the bodies?

I invite them to see a show, because the livelihoods of arts workers like me depend on tourists. True story. @BeAnArtsHero (7/15)

4. Under what circumstances are you allowed to toast a bagel? Please show your work.

If you’re working with, like, a buttered bagel from a deli, toasting is perfectly fine. (8/15)

But in general, the higher the quality of the bagel (like from @ZuckersBagels or @Bagels_and_Co) the less need there should be—and the less acceptable it becomes—to toast.

But I ALWAYS toast a bialy. (9/15)

5. Yonkers is upstate. True or False?

Trick question. Yonkers is a farm.

Right...? (10/15)

6. How many flights is too many flights for a walk-up apartment?

Three and a half. (11/15)

7. How many World Series have the Yankees won?
A) 12
B) 27
C) MORE THAN ANY OTHA TEAM

Obviously it's
D) WAAAY more than the Red Sox. (12/15)

8. New Jersey is:
A) the armpit of America
B) a penal colony where they send the world’s worst drivers or
C) a made-up place to scare children

It's actually
D) killing it on Twitter. (We see you, @NJGov.) (13/15)

9. List the benefits of drinking New York City tap water, alphabetically.

It gives you superpowers, like having the finest pizza and bagels in all the land. (14/15)

10. In the enclosed packet, you have all the requisite materials to construct a pair of Timbs from scratch. You have five minutes.

In all seriousness, I’m a labor guy. I’ll leave the boot making to the pros, like the @UFCW members who make Thorogood Boots. (15/15)