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sadly realized that after so, so, so many years of watching heated lgbt discourse (which is more often gatekeeping and hairsplitting than it is constructively informing) has actually left me discouraged and jaded altogether.
as much as it is nice to have that feeling of belonging to a community after being shafted/outed by real life, is it worth seeing ppl argue and pick apart traits that you chose best fit you? to make you feel like you have to justify your very being or wonder if you even Do belong
I've since cultivated a much more favorable personal circle as well as timeline (for the most part) that my past self would find more comfortable, but the damage has already been done. any thought on gender and sexuality regarding Myself immediately annoys and tires me out.
after years of watching supposed peers occasionally hit at a punching bag that has a photo taped to it that just Happens to look like your face, cattily -- performatively -- ascribing to tribalism over compassion and unnecessarily lashing out, has left me feeling alienated
I'm definitely not straight+cis, but I just can't disambiguate any further or feel proud of myself anymore. I'm able to feel happy for others when they come out and discover themselves and grow and explore, but when it comes to me I feel like an anomaly. A blank. I don't count.
the labels are by no means arbitrary, but I've seen blind loyalty to them and people believing that, like astrology signs, will define a stranger just because they're lesbian or bi or what have you. Like rival secret clubhouses with pillow barricades that say "no ____s allowed"
but in the end I'm still me, whatever that entails. If I get attracted to someone, then it's happened. people who are close to me will know who I am before they know what I am (should the latter be a discriminant or not) and it's still nice to support friends from the "outside"
im rly sorry btw if this came off as dismissive or minimizing this is meant to be me introspecting at 3 in the morning and coming to a realization about myself and why it came to be that way, after denying it as a possibility that I could be affected like that out of shame
