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[abuse]
Hi let's talk about why it's ableist to use the word "narcissist" when what you mean is "abuser."
First some context: I'm Drew. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm an abuse survivor.
Hi let's talk about why it's ableist to use the word "narcissist" when what you mean is "abuser."
First some context: I'm Drew. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm an abuse survivor.
[abuse]
The ways in which a few of my abusers have abused me shares many traits with what people refer to as "narcissistic abuse." However, I do not call it that, and I don't think you should either.
The ways in which a few of my abusers have abused me shares many traits with what people refer to as "narcissistic abuse." However, I do not call it that, and I don't think you should either.
Before I get into why, let's talk about personality disorders. First, they are a type of mental illness conceptualized as “trait” disorders rather than “state” disorders. This means they are present to some extent all the time, as opposed to being episodic.
Personality disorders are divided into three “Clusters” A, B, and C. For the sake of brevity, I am going to focus on Cluster B. Cluster B includes Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic PD, Antisocial PD, and (the focus of this thread) Narcissistic PD.
I don’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nor do I have professional experience with it, but NPD can consist of some or all of the following: a belief that you’re special, fantasies abt power, difficulty recognizing other people’s needs, consistent need for praise, & more.
[abuse]
Personality disorders begin in adolescence, and one of the major risk factors is an abusive or unstable childhood. Speaking from my lived experience, having a personality disorder means experiencing immense psychic pain that can be extremely difficult to treat.
Personality disorders begin in adolescence, and one of the major risk factors is an abusive or unstable childhood. Speaking from my lived experience, having a personality disorder means experiencing immense psychic pain that can be extremely difficult to treat.
In addition to this, people with personality disorders (and particularly Cluster B) face immense bias from our friends, partners (and potential partners), health care professionals, and society at large. We are portrayed in the media as violent, abusive, and uncaring.
We face a lot of the same ableism as other mentally ill and neurodivergent people, but we also often face diagonal violence (a term coined by @sicc_bitch in a thread I’ll link below) from other mentally ill/neurodivergent communities. https://twitter.com/sicc_bitch/status/1338493444931596289
[abuse]
People with personality disorders need support, but when we search for "narcissist support groups" (or "borderline support groups" tbh), the groups we find are often geared towards survivors of "narcissistic/borderline abuse" rather than people with NPD/BPD.
People with personality disorders need support, but when we search for "narcissist support groups" (or "borderline support groups" tbh), the groups we find are often geared towards survivors of "narcissistic/borderline abuse" rather than people with NPD/BPD.
[abuse]
As someone with a Cluster B personality disorder, I am asking you to stop calling people narcissists, when you mean to call them abusers. Actually, I am asking you to refrain from calling people narcissists unless they have NPD (including self dxed, as always).
As someone with a Cluster B personality disorder, I am asking you to stop calling people narcissists, when you mean to call them abusers. Actually, I am asking you to refrain from calling people narcissists unless they have NPD (including self dxed, as always).
[abuse]
When you call D*nald Tr*mp a narcissist, you are being just as ableist as when you make fun of him for using both hands to drink water. When you call B*an D*d’s behavior “narcissistic abuse” you are equating the symptoms of NPD to the behaviors that cause it.
When you call D*nald Tr*mp a narcissist, you are being just as ableist as when you make fun of him for using both hands to drink water. When you call B*an D*d’s behavior “narcissistic abuse” you are equating the symptoms of NPD to the behaviors that cause it.
[abuse]
Of course, there are people with NPD who are also abusers, much in the same way that there are people with PTSD who also happen to be abusers. And of course, if an abuser has NPD (or PTSD for that matter), it’s going to affect the way that they abuse people.
Of course, there are people with NPD who are also abusers, much in the same way that there are people with PTSD who also happen to be abusers. And of course, if an abuser has NPD (or PTSD for that matter), it’s going to affect the way that they abuse people.
But using the phrase “narcissistic abuse” causes very real harm to people with a very real disability. Your trauma does not excuse ableism.
[abuse]
So what should you do instead? First of all, instead of calling someone a narcissist, say what you mean. If someone’s behavior seems like that of an abuser to you, say, “___’s behavior reminds me of an abuser,” or, “I think ___ is acting like an abuser.”
So what should you do instead? First of all, instead of calling someone a narcissist, say what you mean. If someone’s behavior seems like that of an abuser to you, say, “___’s behavior reminds me of an abuser,” or, “I think ___ is acting like an abuser.”
If a person seems self-involved or self-obsessed to you, say exactly that. Although the word “narcissistic” was not always linked with NPD, it is now, and using it to refer to anything other than the disorder muddies waters and contributes to the stigma against people with NPD.
[abuse]
Second of all, when it comes to the term “narcissistic abuse,” I don’t have an easy answer. I understand the need for terms that allow people to more easily find community with others who have similar life experiences.
Second of all, when it comes to the term “narcissistic abuse,” I don’t have an easy answer. I understand the need for terms that allow people to more easily find community with others who have similar life experiences.
abuse]
There definitely are different types of abuse, and in our recovery processes, it can be useful to find people who were abused in similar ways. But we need to be careful not to use labels that further stigmatize people.
There definitely are different types of abuse, and in our recovery processes, it can be useful to find people who were abused in similar ways. But we need to be careful not to use labels that further stigmatize people.
[abuse]
It is not my place to come up with a new term for this. I think we should defer to people with NPD who have also survived this type of abuse for that.
It is not my place to come up with a new term for this. I think we should defer to people with NPD who have also survived this type of abuse for that.
[abuse]
But it is my place to point out that referring to this type of abuse as “narcissistic abuse” is just as damaging and inaccurate as it would be to refer to types of abuse that often result from poverty as “trailer park abuse.”
But it is my place to point out that referring to this type of abuse as “narcissistic abuse” is just as damaging and inaccurate as it would be to refer to types of abuse that often result from poverty as “trailer park abuse.”
[abuse]
Not everyone who enacts this abuse has NPD, and the people who do aren’t abusers as a result of NPD.
Not everyone who enacts this abuse has NPD, and the people who do aren’t abusers as a result of NPD.
If you read this thread, thank you for your attention. Know that I say all of this with the deepest love and understanding I can muster.
i do not have it in me to keep up with the response this thread is getting, so i have muted my notifications. survivors, i love you. cluster B, i love you. i am grateful to all of the people who engaged with this thread in a thoughtful and respectful manner.
