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One of the most unexpected things for me that took me years to figure out was my own internalized homophobia about being attracted to girls before transition (that is, middle and high school). While in school I was definitely into girls, and I definitely wanted to date but I was
terrified of people finding out I was into girls because I felt ashamed? Like there was something wrong with me because I was attracted to girls. At the same time, I was getting sexually harassed by boys and girls because they'd all decide that because I was femme I was gay.
This isn't a subtweet of anyone, btw. It's just me remembering my experiences as a late 80s-90s closeted lesbian
I did not realize that they thought I was into boys and thus "gay" by their definitions while this was going on. It didn't really matter, I was completely incapable of doing "boy" right and that attracted a ton of sexual harassment and violent physical bullying.
When I realized a decade after I started transition that I was pretty much entirely into women ("nonbinary" was not really on my radar at that point), I ended up reading a lot of cis lesbians' growing up and coming out stories, and one was practically verbatim what I experienced
in school - the shame about attraction to girls. It finally clicked for me why I couldn't view this the way cis straight people could, and was like a massive load lifted from my shoulders. There was an additional layer to work through too, as when I started transition I had to
say I was strictly into men and not women to start HRT because at the time (1987) the psychiatrist I saw wouldn't work with lesbian or bi trans women (and pan, ace, and aro were also not on the radar for a lot of people). And on top of that, my abusive ex pushed me to identify as
bi and date men (polyamorous relationship) because, she said, bisexuality was what everyone should do. So shedding that, and what I had to present myself as to transition, it was an incredible and freeing moment.
So of course the first lesbian online community I joined had two terfs who tried to harass me off the forum. The admin/site owner told them to gtfo if they were going to be transphobic and life was great until a more subtly terfy lesbian joined the forum to argue that it's a
reasonable concern to be afraid of trans women at MWMF, and made a point to ask in a thread, why the trans lesbians on the forum hadn't tried dating men first
Anyway, I was never not dating women, but I felt obligated to date men, until I didn't any more.
Anyway, I was never not dating women, but I felt obligated to date men, until I didn't any more.
Being out as bi in LGBT spaces in the 90s definitely gave me a perspective on biphobia, though: Can't stand it.
Anyway, solidarity with everyone regardless of orientation. I can't imagine there are many of us who haven't had to fight for it to some extent
Anyway, solidarity with everyone regardless of orientation. I can't imagine there are many of us who haven't had to fight for it to some extent
Also want to add that while of course there was all kind of media rep of boys dating girls, I never saw myself in those because I wasn't a boy
I still remember the first time I encountered an F/F romance in fiction. It lit a fire in me, to put it mildly. I felt seen.
I still remember the first time I encountered an F/F romance in fiction. It lit a fire in me, to put it mildly. I felt seen.
This was Silverglass by J.F. Rivkin, and it came out in late 1986. I was 17 at the time and less than a year away from starting transition.
