My former pastor claimed he was a feminist, but he allowed my abuser to stalk a few young women at our church. He used the Matthew 18 confrontation method instead of calling the police. He told him “confess to your wife”, but my abuser didn’t.

I experienced domestic violence less than 6 months later. I got my ex to leave, changed the locks and got a protective order. I sought support from my pastor. I was volunteering with a church plant he was starting as an offshoot of a megachurch.

My former pastor listened to my story and then launched into the story of my ex stalking a woman in the church who had recently been incarcerated and was looking for help finding a job. Our church was doing a “needs” board where people ask for help and congregants fulfill needs.

My abuser got the young woman’s phone number and offered to help, but instead stalked and harassed her. The woman brought a timeline of the harassment to the pastor, but he doubted her story because she had just been released from prison. She was a vulnerable person trying...

...to get her life together. After that the pastor used the “biblical confrontation” method and my abuser then went to the women’s job (she had found work) and caused a scene. The woman lost her job over this. And I was in the dark as to the danger I was in.

Even after this, the pastor did not involve the police. And he wouldn’t have told me except that I came to him with my story. Unlike the other woman, who I was told was a person of color, the pastor believed me.

When my ex left, I lost 3/4 of the financial support I needed. My ex went into a Christian rehab for almost 2 years and was able to skip out on child support during that time. I was offered a one time amount of $600 from the church to help me out during this time.

Prior to this I was super involved in this church and gave many hours to forming and leading a social justice focused committee at the request of my pastor. This was nearly a PT job. I was also going to seminary and had a PT business.

Several years after I wrote about this situation in a case study for seminary. I left out that it was biographical. I researched the correlation of stalking and domestic violence. There is a high correlation and abusers that stalk are among the most violent.

I wondered, in my paper for a pastoral counseling class, what responsibility the pastor had for what happened to me. Could his dealing properly with the first situation have prevented my abuse or at least served as a warning to get out sooner. It happened almost 9 mos prior.

The instructors comments on my paper were that the pastor bore no additional responsibility for what happened to me. He followed the Matt 18 method and the situations were unrelated. I used this case study again as my final project. My professor for that class responded better.

I didn’t reveal either time that one of the characters in my case study was me. Thankfully, I was able to get legal help & didn’t need to solely depend on my church to help me. I sought the help of an organization that helps women in situations like mine. They provided a lawyer.

One thing I never asked is whether my pastor had consulted with the lead pastor of the megachurch. This happened at the big church about 6 months before we started meeting at the new church plant. Both pastors are still pastoring.

I never sued these pastors, although I’ve wanted to. They are part of a larger denomination that is Evangelical, but generally more progressive in theology and approach.