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THREAD: After conversations with two friends the other day, I want to talk about #dating people in #wheelchairs. One friend is in a chair, like me, the other is #ablebodied. Both my #wheelie friend and I are lesbian, so just throwing out there that this does slant our view of
things in a particular direction. But below are a list of things that have come up in conversation which I think we need to address:
1) if someone doesn’t show/say they are in a chair before a date, it’s not because they aren’t being truthful, it’s because they don’t see it as
1) if someone doesn’t show/say they are in a chair before a date, it’s not because they aren’t being truthful, it’s because they don’t see it as
a barrier to dating.
2) not everyone in a chair is paralysed. Please don’t assume that your date is. They MAY be paralysed, they may also be an ambulatory user of some degree, or they may just not be able to stand. Let them tell you what their case is.
3) don’t ask invasive
2) not everyone in a chair is paralysed. Please don’t assume that your date is. They MAY be paralysed, they may also be an ambulatory user of some degree, or they may just not be able to stand. Let them tell you what their case is.
3) don’t ask invasive
questions. Especially on the first date. Disabled people don’t want to give everyone the full run down of their symptoms and conditions. You’re just getting to know each other. They will tell you what you think is pertinent at the time. If you go on more dates they will tell you
more as they feel ready.
4) going back to point 2 - don’t presume we can’t have sex. Many disabled people lead active sex lives that would put able bodied people to shame. And many of us aren’t vanilla when it comes to sex. If you honestly think that we wheelies don’t have
4) going back to point 2 - don’t presume we can’t have sex. Many disabled people lead active sex lives that would put able bodied people to shame. And many of us aren’t vanilla when it comes to sex. If you honestly think that we wheelies don’t have
libidos (or any disabled person for that matter) you don’t understand hormones and how they work.
5) we aren’t looking for our partners to be our carers. Look it’s great if we find a partner who is willing to help with the things we can’t do. But there are professional carers
5) we aren’t looking for our partners to be our carers. Look it’s great if we find a partner who is willing to help with the things we can’t do. But there are professional carers
for a reason. And honestly, if any of my future partners wants to help me do things like get in and out of the shower/bath, and get dressed on a morning, fab. And if they can do the lion’s share of the housework even better. But I can and will cook meals, make furniture, sew,
fix things. A relationship is what you can BOTH bring to the table. Not just one of you.
6) just like any relationship, our relationships are based on attraction and mutual interests. Don’t assume that any couple you see where one is in a chair and one is not is based around
6) just like any relationship, our relationships are based on attraction and mutual interests. Don’t assume that any couple you see where one is in a chair and one is not is based around
care needs. It isn’t.
7) if you genuinely are attracted to someone in a chair, don’t be scared to tell us. If we’re available you may find out we’re attracted to you too.
8) yes our dates need to be wheelchair accessible, and yes we need to take account of things like meds at
7) if you genuinely are attracted to someone in a chair, don’t be scared to tell us. If we’re available you may find out we’re attracted to you too.
8) yes our dates need to be wheelchair accessible, and yes we need to take account of things like meds at
times, but otherwise treat it like any ordinary date.
Personally I still like to hike (yes in my chair), go to the cinema (when we aren’t in a pandemic), cuddle up and watch Netflix, go to dinner, go to the theatre (did you know I can get us cheaper tickets as a wheelie?),
Personally I still like to hike (yes in my chair), go to the cinema (when we aren’t in a pandemic), cuddle up and watch Netflix, go to dinner, go to the theatre (did you know I can get us cheaper tickets as a wheelie?),
take weekends away, go to museums, etc., all those things that able bodied people do too.
