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i always say that i don’t experience envy or jealousy, which has made it so difficult to identify this deep, nagging and painful feeling i’ve felt all of my life. this feeling continues to pull on my heart and weigh down my body, routinely triggered by life situations.
last week i finally identified the word for something i’ve felt for so long. resentment. lately i’ve experienced deep feelings of resentment. with this resentment comes so many feelings and pains that i can physically feel in my body.
this is anger, disappointment, sadness, feelings of loneliness. the feeling of resentment stems from deep childhood wounds related to friendships and connections. i grew up feeling, and still do feel, very different, undesirable, unlovable, and ostracized by any and
every community that i am in. i am different. i am not of any standard and i recognize that. i challenge the norm. i get that. i’m continuously learning that peoples responses to me aren’t necessarily about me, but holy shit peoples responses hurt
i’ve grown up constantly working hard and being useful so that i could be recognized and be desirable in the eyes of others. i’ve grown up in friendships and connections centered around utility and proximity, never truly feeling connected and understood, desired or loved.
now being in a space with others who approach me specifically for my utility... is triggering. recognizing i met so many people in 2020 but they only approached me bc of what i have to offer and bc of their expectations of me, not bc of who i am.
that’s so hard. and sadly, i got excited and let people into my space that weren’t really here for me. that’s where the resentment comes in. i had expectations that i shouldn’t have had. i looked up to people in my community. i put people on pedestals
and was so excited to jump into a community and finally feel loved that when they .. acted like humans.. and essentially rejected me these childhood wounds were triggered. because again, i was only accepted bc of what i have to offer.
i feel so much resentment towards so many. i feel hurt, isolated, etc. some days are good. some moments are good. other moments i’m in a lot of pain. but i’m learning to move through it. i’ve committed to a lot of self care activities and i’m doing really well processing.
it’s not something i’ve ever spoke on, resentment. but i’m moving through it everyday. i’m reminding myself that i am desirable outside of what i do or what i have to offer. i’m practicing discernment. im not giving as much. i’m keeping a lot of the things i love to myself.
i’m appreciating those immediate people in my life. i’m learning to embrace my differences as a source of empowerment rather than allowing the rejection and exclusion to shut me down. it’s hard out here but i’m reminding myself that i am valid in the space i’m in.
this was a long ass thread but i am always honest with whar i’m currently going through. i’ve never spoken on resentment but i feel it so damn deep in my soul right now. i feel 20 years of disappointment and anger rising for release and it’s so hard.
