Been mulling this over for hours. First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support. I can't begin to express my relief and gratitude. I'll be writing back to those who left comments once I muster the energy.

Second, I realized I want to tell my whole story

Sharing an incident of abuse is part of seeking truth but it's only a glimpse, just as being a victim is a fragment of a whole person. What I experienced is not in a vacuum. I am going to detail what I went through and the aftermath because this is my life.

CW: Rape, suicide

The incident happened during my freshman year, I was barely 18. It happened after the Single Voice reading series that Allegheny College hosted; Nesset was one of the readers. He invited us to come during his class, said that afterwards there was an event to mingle and chat.

It was explained to me as an all ages kind of gathering where anyone could attend and talk to the readers. I stayed afterwards because that was who I was—I loved academia and my teachers and leapt at an opportunity like this. I also love animals and was playing with his dog.

He offered to drive me to the event and this is where we discussed my age and situation. When we got there it was only Nesset and three senior guys. Nesset immediately began pushing drinks at me (Long Island Iced Teas) and I was terrified. I faked sips and tried to converse.

I was new to the area and scared. He then took me to another bar nearby, dingy and biker style where he continued to buy me beer. I danced as a distraction and placed the full cups down on empty tables. He finally gave up his attempts that evening and took me back to campus.

He also tried to groom me later on where he offered to pay for my college tuition (I had been open about my financial situation) and he wanted to discuss details at his house. I thanked him for the offer but by then I knew what he was. This still haunts me.

I learned after what happened that KN was known for this behavior. It was an open secret spanning decades to the point older students would warn new ones and this was tradition. We joked his Pomeranian was like the dangling light of an angler fish

I think I was targeted because I was the classic teacher's pet type--I came from an abusive toxic household so school was my sanctuary. Educators were heroes to me in a very literal sense. I used to trust very easily and freely to those who acted as mentors.

After this incident, things began to collapse very quickly. I had, for the first time, the full adult realization that my mother was abusive. She threw me out of the house and when I returned to Allegheny I began staying there year round. It was my sanctuary.

Nesset always lingered but I tried to focus which turned out to be a monstrous undertaking due to undiagnosed ADHD along with crippling depression and anxiety. I was offered to become a resident advisor as a sophomore and I was so proud and excited for the opportunity.

But it was all too much and I felt I couldn't take it once there. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for a week. They often had students from the college. Then I had to go on a leave of absence. All I could think about was returning to Allegheny My school. My sanctuary.

After over a year I finally returned but it was different. Nesset was a constant, of course, but many I was close to had left or were leaving. I had waves of high grades paired with failing, I was struggling from reasons that I chalked up to incompetence and weakness.

A year or so after I returned, the guilt about not reporting Nesset got to a point where I had to speak up. I had been seeing a counselor through Allegheny who I trusted, Dale Humes (I am naming him because I am done protecting people who did not protect me).

Dale, normally a kindly and soft spoken older man, turned cold. I had never seen him like that. He shut me down completely. It was made clear to me that the college and Nesset's reputation were most important. I didn't want to hurt Allegheny. My school. My sanctuary.

Finally, after five years of never getting footing, someone I thought was a friend assaulted me. For the first time I knew what the feeling of being outside my body was. The process at Allegheny involved me being sat down and asked "What do you want to do about it?" Panic hit.

This approach is horrible for victims. I figured because I was not penetrated it didn't count. I had no case. Maybe I was over-exaggerating despite him grabbing my crotch and kissing me while I was too drunk to speak and he knew I was in a relationship. It went nowhere.

But this changed everything. It broke what faith in Allegheny I had left. My sanctuary was no longer safe. It was a place of violation and pain just like the household I had left behind. I dropped out with no degree and buried in debt. Nesset's offer to pay still rings in my ears

I also abandoned my major (my passion) of poetry. It is only very recently that I even attempted to write something. But my love of poetry was a bridge to my love of film and that I have pursued. Editing is poetry: a line break is a cut, each shot the carefully cultivated word

My life has not been easy since. I got into a neglectful marriage because I was running from everything. I lost my closest caregiver and support this past summer. I nearly died of encephalitis shortly after. I had to work hard to write again in a mechanical sense.

Despite all this, I would not trade my time at Allegheny or what I experienced. I am damaged but I am also strong and resilient and healing. I will write again. I will create. I will be happy and find a way to thrive.

I will help to elevate other victims and tell their stories