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I have no “clout”, I play guitar & sing ok, but I’ve no desire to be in a band, the public eye or seek validation from strangers on the internet. Because of this the abuse I suffered for more than 5 years at the hands of a drummer of a London based band is swept under the rug. /1
Despite all this, I will never stop speaking out against injustice of abuse victims where I see it. I can prevent just one person from going through what I did then it’s worth it. /2
I want to speak out about trauma bonding. It’s a specific type of abuse & it’s patterns are hard to spot. I had therapy to come to terms with what had happened to me. /3
It starts with “love bombing”. Your abuser showers you with affection to gain your vulnerability. /4
Your abuser then creates an environment of dependency, where you rely on them for love & validation. My abuser cut me off from friends, convincing me they were “bad influences” & told me how lucky I was to have him as I was “damaged goods” /5
This lays the groundwork for abuse. I learned never to say no to sex, because it was going to happen regardless of what I wanted. He pinned me to the sofa once & punched me. He once twice my arm up behind my back & slammed my face into the door /6
He cheated on me constantly. Now this is where the gaslighting comes into play. It was always my fault. My reactions to his repeated mistreatment always made to feel worse than what he’d done to me /7
I settled for anything that would bring peace & in time came to quietly accept this behaviour. Things would return to normal & we’d go back to the love bombing phase /8
My body was in a constant state of high stress. I craved those periods of “peace” to help regulate my own behaviour. I was totally dependent on him for this. It felt like drug addiction /9
I’m safe now, but my abuser has never been properly held accountable for his actions, despite involvement from the police regarding his repeated revenge porn threats. /10
If you’re reading any of this & it sounds familiar, PLEASE get help. Continue to speak out until someone takes you seriously. Your social standing should have fuck all to do with whether people believe you or not. /11/end.
