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Last night I wrote about my awakening from religious fundamentalism and some of the cost. I’m 7 years into deconstruction/reconstruction and I’ve only recently started processing all that it’s taken.
It’s interesting, because the natural course was to journey into antiracism first- learning about the dynamics of power and oppression, systemic racism, and dedicating myself to dismantling my own internalized racism.
Initially, I was surprised and confused by the hostility and refusal to acknowledge racism that I was seeing from the church. I spent a couple of years angry and uninterested in engaging the “church” on issues of racial justice.
Then I read @JemarTisby’s book-The Color of Compromise and it became much more clear.
When I started waking up to other things- my own internalized misogyny reared it’s head. I still wasn’t confident because complementarianism had been drilled into me.
I didn’t trust my “gut” or the spirit within to interpret scripture with confidence because I was a woman and “inherently flawed and untrustworthy” according to many.
Looking back, it’s telling, because I talked about how I’d absorbed the concept of male headship and submission before becoming a Christian...
But what I was unknowingly identifying is that I had absorbed patriarchal ideas that were cultural norms, and simply given religious language within the context of the institutional church.
Over the last few years I felt like I’d arrived at some post-deconstruction stage, only to realize how layered and complex it is. Each new thing I learn about historical context strips away at some old belief I held as sacred truth.
I’ve recently come to the realization that my fundamentalism was like a cult. As I press forward in study, I’m learning so much about how massive god truly is and how much the modern evangelical church has stripped from them.
The most difficult part now is the wrestling I’ve had to do with my own internalized misogyny. It hits different, and much like when I first started learning about my internalized racism- I’m feeling joy because I’m getting free and rage because it’s stolen so much.
All this to say I’m grieving. And you may be too. My teacher and friend @myishathill has taught me a lot about taking grief and discomfort and leaning into it. I suppose that what this is for me.
If you read this far- thanks. If you relate- you’re not alone in this. Here’s to greater freedom and joy on the other side of this!
