Thread by @dreamsofskies, One time when I was a 7-year-old, my mom found out I [...]

One time when I was a 7-year-old, my mom found out I was lying to her to get out of doing something. She asked me angrily, "Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't do the thing before!?"

(A "processing my thoughts in front of strangers" thread.) 1/17

I thought about it for a moment, then said...

"At school, in the cafeteria, if we get too loud, they turn the lights on and off again until we all quiet down. ...I thought that you wanted me to be quiet."

... She didn't like that answer. She told me not to lie to her. 2/17

I felt so ashamed, and then wondered why I told her that. And I'd wondered for years after that... until recently.

It's finally dawned on me that it actually *wasn't* untrue that I thought she didn't want to hear me, or that I thought it was better to be quiet. 3/17

Maybe in that panicked and desperate scan of inner child-motives, my brain looked for any reason I might feel like that, and that example was just the first one that it saw? Maybe that wasn't the only reason either? 4/17

I've mentioned this story before, but there was another time as a kid my mom had an acupuncture appointment. She brought me along because Dad was at work. I asked if we could get Thai food later, and she said,
"We'll see. Only if you're good." 5/17

That was a definite "maybe!" And Thai food is delicious, so I resolved to be as "good" as possible.

I smiled to myself in the car as she drove. I conjured up a sense of warmth and friendliness in me, determined to project cheerfulness to everyone in that clinic. 6/17

We got to the clinic, and I was warm and friendly with everyone. I found some cool magnet toys and a squeaky rubber lobster to play with. I thought they were a lot of fun. I excitedly showed the acupuncturist and my mom cool tricks you could do with the magnets. 7/17

In my mind I was being very Good, and I was an actual goddamn little ray of sunshine.

So, when the appointment ended and we buckled back into our seats in the car, I asked about Thai food again. 8/17

She said, "You have GOT to be kidding me! I said only if you were good, and you were not! You kept bugging the lady and I and made noise through the whole session! We told you to be quiet!"

..I was stunned silent.

I really thought I was being good... 9/17

I was trying to radiate Goodness the entire time I was there! I *did* remember being told to be quiet, but for some reason I didn't realize it was such an important thing to do and keep doing.

But I *was* being good, I thought. I was doing it in every way I knew how. 10/16

(We never did get Thai food that day.) 11/17

I'm sure I had many other instances in childhood that also caused me to internalize that "being quiet, unobtrusive, or taking up less space = Good," but that's the one story that sticks out to me the most. 12/17

Even in a small way, maybe seeing constant reminders to other kids in school to calm and quiet down, like in the lunch rooms, reinforced in my own head that Quiet is the Preferred Behavior. 13/17

Going back to the original story.

Here my mom asked me why I didn't just come forward to her about things, and I gave her my best answer. Then I was practically slapped with an angry rejection and beratement that stung *so* bad I convinced myself I was lying for years.
14/17

Hmmm! Whysoever would I ever have trouble speaking up for myself and expressing my feelings as a fully-grown adult?
/rh

15/17

If I do choose to raise kids, the last thing I ever want to do is teach them to squelch their thoughts and feelings to the point where they think they have to shrink themselves to be considered Good. 16/17

Because wow... How deeply that can affect a person. And how long it can take to unlearn.

end/17

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