Day 1. President Biden used an Oxford comma in a Tweet. I am outraged.

Day 2. Joe Biden 86’d the Resolute Desk’s emergency Diet Coke button. No signs of Chinese invasion. Think I’ll take a nap.

Day 3. President Biden says that poor people should have food to eat. He wants jobs to pay $15/hour. Jill took chocolate chip cookies to the National Guard and Dr. Fauci smiled on television. Pray for us.

Day 4. President Biden’s absence from the golf course confirms that conservative values are under attack. Scientific indoctrination of our youth continued when Fauci recited the periodic table of elements in an interview. I had pancakes for breakfast. Extra syrup.

Day 5. Dogs have returned to the White House. That’s it. That’s the post.

Day 6. Wanna join the military? Joe Biden is cool with that. He won’t even ask you what your genitals look like. Wanna turn a profit from prisons? You’re about to be out of luck. (1/2)

Oh, and I forgot to include the White House cat in my previous update about the White House dogs. So I’ll tell you now—in addition to the dogs, there’s also a cat. Always be suspicious of cat people. (2/2)

Day 7. Internet nerds have broken the stock market. There are promises of a federal fleet of electric cars and new clean energy jobs. (1/2)

Chaos runs rampant in the halls of Congress, but we are distracted from their failings by a surprise appearance from Ludacris on a prime time episode of the Price is Right.

This is Joe Biden’s America. (2/2)

Day 8. Oligarchs scramble to preserve their positions in a last-ditch effort to stop the rise of the Meme Lords. (1/2)

Whispers of equitable healthcare echoed through the West Wing, while a Congresswoman who believes that a secret fleet of Jewish Space Lasers caused the California Wildfires was given a seat on the Education Committee. Stay tuned.
(2/2)

Day 9. Disciples of a man they call ‘Roaring Kitty’ continue to wreak havoc on the stock market. Meanwhile, Joe Biden cries out; desperate to save America from impending economic doom. (1/2)

The people, frustrated by their wait for inoculation, have turned their angst to the snack aisle. But alas, the Lady Gaga flavored Oreos are out of stock. (2/2)

Day 10. After 9 straight days of virtually unprecedented presidential activity, Sleepy Joe finally took a nap. (1/2)

Instagram influencers took over TikTok to cash in on the 2nd annual Cancelation of Coachella while a towering Times Square billboard broadcasted a newfound message of American hope—$GME GO BRRR.

Day 11. Twitter was abuzz with rumors of a dog going to the moon on the first football-less Sunday of 2021. Quiet snow fell softly upon a militarized Capitol Hill while America rests peacefully for the first time in months. The wonder of a new week awaits.

Day 12. For the 4th day in a row, Joe Biden did not issue an executive order...or a stimulus check. Secretary Psaki said she’ll circle back soon and sent Conservative Twitter spiraling into a state of madness once reserved especially for Barack Obama’s tan suit. (1/2)

Meanwhile—Screech died and Marylin Manson was outed as a sexual deviant, which surprised absolutely nobody. Elon missed a chance at declaring memes the official currency of Mars and I ate an entire box of Thin Mints for lunch. God bless the Girl Scouts. (2/2)

Day 13. Punxsutawney Phil + Mr. Pillow both saw their shadows today thereby solidifying 6 more weeks of American Winter. Joe Biden's creation of a Kids in Cages Task Force assures us that stim checks may or may not be coming and kids may or may not be reunited with their families

Not to be out trended by Mr. Pillow’s Newsmax breakdown, Bezos announced he would be stepping down as Amazon CEO to focus all of his time on keeping as much money away from the poors as possible.

Day 14. Suburbs—not burning. Guns—not confiscated. God—still God'ing. They promised us that Joe Biden would turn America into a utopian leftist hellscape. So what the hell is this? Where have we faltered? And why did Lil Uzi Vert get a $24m pink diamond implanted in his forehead?

Day 15. As Joe Biden called for the end of war in Yemen, House Dems were quashing Marjorie Q’s grip on public education. DEEPFUCKINGVALUE got a Congressional summons and Desperate Donald ranted about his appearance in Home Alone 2. In the words of Ice Cube—it was a good day.

Day 16. Troops prepare to mobilize as a plan for mass inoculation takes shape. Sunrise at the Capitol saw the Senate clear a path for Joe Biden's $1.9T American Rescue. It would appear that they were motivated to spend by Cardi B's latest lyric “broke boys don’t deserve no pussy"

Day 17. Joe Biden is boring. Grass growing, paint drying, Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky level boring. He's so boring that E-40 trended on Twitter. The man is so excruciatingly boring that watching Mr. Pillow’s election fraud smut film doesn’t even sound that bad. Joe Biden is boring.

Day 18. American hypocrisy reared its head as President Biden kicked off the Super Bowl super spreader by imploring the nation to slow the spread. And as the killing machines fly over the stadium full of 1000s I think how stupid we must look to future scholars studying our demise

Day 19. ‘Twas the night before trial, when all through DC, all of Congress was stirring, especially AOC. The seditionists were restless, Louie’s gun full of lead. Their hopes of acquittal soon might be dead.

Kamala in her pant suit and Joe in a mask, ignored all the chatter and worked on their tasks. While out at the Capitol space cleared for the lawyers, Mitch and his caucus prepared for the slaughter.

Into the chamber they rolled single file, all wearing a mask that covered their smile. Security was heightened and spirits were low. Is America broken? Soon we will know.

When what in our wondering minds did appear but miniature hands and riots incited here. With big lies so heinous only a fool would believe, our wounds still fresh from the Capitol siege.

More rapid than recounts Senate loyalists they came, and they Tweeted and obstructed, here are their names:

Kennedy and Cruz. Lummins, Rick Scott. Hyde-Smith and Rodge Marshall. Tubberville to top it off.

From the top of the dome! Streamed into our home! Now fade away! Disarray! Sedition caucus must fall! Once fools in the dark, now disgraced in plain sight. A party in shambles — Mr. Pillow leads their fight.

Upon Capitol hilltop, the rumors they flew. Like QAnon and communists and lasers fired by a Jew.