Thread by @Elliott_Mac01, My first experience with psychosis/schizophrenia (thread)TW/ Psychosis, HallucinationsI moved from my home [...]

My first experience with psychosis/schizophrenia (thread)

TW/ Psychosis, Hallucinations

I moved from my home town in Dublin to London in Sept 2014 for University (Film School)

In the summer of 2015 after completing my first year I began to feel strange but I didn't know why

I remember walking to work on a Saturday & this fear struck me out of nowhere. I was about to be shot. Every noise I heard suddenly became menacing. The cars, the people. My adrenaline was pumping. I was trying to use my environment to my advantage to stay behind cover

I'd got on the tube & the other passengers were staring at me. One man smiled & I thought he could be the devil in disguise. When I clocked off work I came back to the flat. I was in bed listening to the water running though the pipes but I could also make out whispering/talking

My flatmate had noticed my behaviour was off & she didn't want to have anything to do with it so I was kicked out the next day with nowhere to go. I stayed with a work colleague on weekends. A charity helped me find night by night accomodation for mon-fri which I was grateful for

The anxieties of not knowing whether I'd have anywhere to sleep each night for a month made my mental health worse. I also told no one what was going on apart from one close friend who had given me a place to rest on several occasions

I was on my way to that friend for the night, waiting on the platform at Kings X when I heard a voice say "Jump". It was loud but far away. Then again, & again "Jump!" Echoing through the tunnel. It wasn't in my head. I was hearing it with my ears no different to any other sound

I didn't know what was happening but I had the sense to get off the platform and go half way up the steps & wait there. I was worried the voice might be able to control me at the time so I wasn't taking any risks.

Tube comes in. I get on & just like before everyone is staring

The carriage has a speaker inside announcing the next stations. As the train started moving I heard a women's voice coming out of the speaker. "There's a bomb on the tube!". The voice said it again & again but nobody was reacting. It switched to "there's a bomb in your brain"

At that point I tried to get myself to accept the fact I had finally gone mad which I don't know if that made me calmer but it was better than accepting this trains going to blow up. At last I made it to my stop but as I walked to my friends place the voices followed

This all went on for weeks. I started feeling like my thoughts were no longer private because the voices would repeat every one of them out loud. I thought the British government was tracking me because I had some "hidden knowledge" that would shake the world

I called my university MH support & they booked me in. I talked with an amazing MH advisor who took me to A & E. She stayed with my till 3 in the morning. Sat with me in the MH suite when they told me I'd be going to hospital. I was crying because I thought I'd be attacked there

When I actually got there all I wanted was to go out into the garden. It was 5am so everyone else was asleep. I paced up and down that garden not sure what to expect once everyone else woke up.

I met everyone else on the ward. People were in for a range of different issues. The noise of the voices made it hard to concentrate on my own thoughts & be able to hear what other people were saying but I made friends there, some who I'm still in touch with to this day

Back when I was there it was very much the case that the patients were running the ward more than the staff which meant both alcohol & drugs were being brought in. The lads were sharing a joint in the garden which I later found out wasn't weed but spice (synthetic cannabis)

I'd smoked a bit myself thinking it was just grass but quickly found out otherwise. Because I was already psychotic & mentally vulnerable the spice amplified the voices to an unbelievably high volume & all I could do was sit on the floor in my bathroom & wait for it to pass

I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. The voices were definitely the main thing I struggled with. They were insulting me constantly & telling me to harm myself. Both the "jump" voice & the "there's a bomb" voice are still with me now, 5 years later

I began to write my thoughts down on the ward to pass the time, the things the voices told me, the messages I'd get from music & the TV and a range of other beliefs I had. There are things I believed back then (which were considered delusions) that I still believe now.

So that's my first episode of psychosis, the beginning of a strange journey I'm still on. My schizophrenia diagnosis came later. Despite the hard times I have fond memories of my time on the ward & the friends I made there.

Any questions about the above, feel free to ask

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