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Today is the first day of (the first ever!) Eating Disorders Awareness Week in Ontario, so I want to share a little bit about what eating disorder recovery is like for me these days.
CW: Eating disorders
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CW: Eating disorders
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For background, my disordered eating began at age 10. I was diagnosed with AN when I was 19, and I did partial hospitalization -> intensive outpatient treatment at @RenfrewCenter for 10 weeks when I was 21. I have seen psychiatrists, therapists, & dietitians ever since.
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One of the most common misconceptions about ED recovery is that once people leave treatment, they are magically healed! Forever! It's as if people think that the situational, cultural & trauma-based triggers of disordered eating miraculously vanish once weight is restored.
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In reality, weight restoration is often just the first step on a long (indeed, often life-long) journey toward a recovery-centric life. I cannot stress this enough, but ED recovery is about so much more than relearning how to eat and getting to a "healthy" BMI.
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Nevermind that the concepts of individual BMI and weight as metrics of health in ED recovery are grounded in a weight-stigmatizing, culturally-insensitive approach to healing the body, the same weight stigma & invalidation that form the psychological foundation for many EDs.
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5/x
I am now 4.5 years into my eating disorder recovery. This process has been painful, messy, and nonlinear. During this time, I have done a lot of lying to myself about what it means to be healthy and happy. But it has gotten easier over time to find my truth and embody it.
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The mechanics of healing have gotten more natural. Eating is no longer a battle, and I can engage in joyful movement without thinking about the effect it will have on my body. I no longer try to punish myself by starving until it hurts. I can look in mirrors sometimes.
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However, bits and pieces of the eating disorder still linger in my body and mind. The body dysmorphia and checking have persisted and intensified over time. It is hard to see myself and even harder to let myself be seen. All these years later, I still cry about it sometimes.
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8/x
But, oh goodness, I cannot begin to describe the joy of recovery. I wish I had the words to express what it feels like to dance with your whole body or to enjoy a meal with a friend or to let someone touch your body after years of shame. Recovery feels like falling in love.
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9/x
There is no single definition of eating disorder recovery. What does recovery look like in a fatphobic society, where disordered eating & exercise behaviours are normalized, encouraged, and rewarded? I feel that recovery & social justice must go hand in hand.
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I am so grateful for @JILLSLASTWORD's tireless activism to have EDAW recognized in Ontario. It was an honour to speak in support of this bill. We must continue to shed light on this issue so others can begin the healing process. The journey is long, but it is beautiful.
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11/11
