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I realise that quite a few people that follow me here have OCD, so I just wanted to post a little about how OCD feels for a person living within their version of recovery, like me - when they get triggered or have a tough day.
Firstly, the reason I say 'version of recovery' is that recovery isn't a finish line nor a hurdle you jump over. It looks different for me and for you. That is why it is unhelpful to use other people's recovery stories as something you need to follow.
Oh, and I am tired. I am stressed professionally, sleep deprived and, y'know, a once in a lifetime pandemic. So there are many reasons I could have heightened anxiety already so being triggered today isn't a big surprise.
So, today there is a big news story that I find particularly triggering. It has been trending on Twitter, on the BBC homepage, radio etc. So it is there. I wasn't prepared to see it but unless I shut off the internet I will see it.
**Although I'm glad I did, more on that later.
**Although I'm glad I did, more on that later.
As many of you know, OCD is centred around obsessive, repetitive, recurring thoughts and compulsive actions/rituals. They look different for everyone, and the vehicle OCD takes (harm based/sex based/whatever based) isn't that relevant really. It's all OCD.
With OCD you feel the need to ritualise to 'alleviate' the symptoms, the anxiety.
So: 'I may have left the handbrake off and the car may roll and kill someone. I need to check' may be the obsession.
The ritual may be checking. Maybe twice. Maybe 100 times.
So: 'I may have left the handbrake off and the car may roll and kill someone. I need to check' may be the obsession.
The ritual may be checking. Maybe twice. Maybe 100 times.
The car itself isn't the issue. It isn't about just that, as OCD presents itself in so many ways. Often this presentation is found in the ways that most go against our morals or beliefs, as OCD latches onto our biggest fears and worries.
So if someone with OCD obsesses about accidentally saying something racist? Probably because race and equality is very important to them and that is the OPPOSITE of how they believe/see the world, so it picks up on that.
Could be a fear around being a misogynist, a thief, an abuser, a murderer, rapist, paedophile or a number of things.
I refer to it as my own horror cinema. If it is against my morals/beliefs, OCD tries to break into that. The cheeky little bastard.
I refer to it as my own horror cinema. If it is against my morals/beliefs, OCD tries to break into that. The cheeky little bastard.
So, today's headline immediately makes me feel rough as it features a story of a person the opposite of whom I'd wish to be.
It makes me feel anxious and it makes me want to do a ritual (that involves googling something reassuring in this instance).
It makes me feel anxious and it makes me want to do a ritual (that involves googling something reassuring in this instance).
Thankfully, with years of work, therapy/meds, I am able not to. And I haven't.
Some days however, it is more difficult than others. On those days OCD is loud. It feels a bit, for me, like an alarm going off. I CAN ignore it, but it takes its time to go. But it will if I persist.
Some days however, it is more difficult than others. On those days OCD is loud. It feels a bit, for me, like an alarm going off. I CAN ignore it, but it takes its time to go. But it will if I persist.
Therefore, my reward is my anxiety dissipates. It is slowly going. By not letting it win (which is, by the way, outrageously tough, sending love to those that are struggling), I win eventually.
So, I'm very much in my version of recovery, but also a headline can trigger my day becoming very challenging.
I'm grateful I saw it though, as it is an unplanned opportunity to try and fight OCD. The more opportunities that arise, the more 'match fit' I can be to beat it.
I'm grateful I saw it though, as it is an unplanned opportunity to try and fight OCD. The more opportunities that arise, the more 'match fit' I can be to beat it.
Anyway, recovery is personal in the way it feels. This is just how I see it, so if it doesn't apply to you, that is fine! OCD is a big and difficult challenge, but you can get to the position I am thankfully in so that you can give it the metaphorical finger more than it does you
Some days OCD feels like barely a ripple in a lake for me, some days it is a tsunami.
Recovery for me, is how quickly and healthily I can turn that tide, a place I never thought I'd actually arrive at. And some reading this will think they can't arrive at, I disagree.
Recovery for me, is how quickly and healthily I can turn that tide, a place I never thought I'd actually arrive at. And some reading this will think they can't arrive at, I disagree.
Also OCD is an illogical condition for logical people. So the examples listed above may sound illogical, and they are. But the people are not illogical people. That is very important.
P.S I am genuinely OK, but thanks in advance. Don't worry about DM'ing me to check, kind as that is. I am doing really well. I just wanted to share how OCD and recovery feels for me, and the reality of that a little.
I post this because I have met a lot of people that have made great progress and then a bad day or trigger and they feel all their work is undone, which is not the case.
I'm still in recovery, even if a trigger happens. I just deal with it differently now.
YOU are doing great.
I'm still in recovery, even if a trigger happens. I just deal with it differently now.
YOU are doing great.
