idk who needs to hear this, but if you find yourself "really wanting" to be trans...if you feel paralyzed by dysphoria, agonize over gender, feel "fake", feel like you need a tell-tale 'sign' or 'signal'...that agony may BE your 'sign'. you can just be trans--there is no test.

you're also allowed to be wrong! you're allowed to experiment w/ your gender identity in the same way one does w/ sexuality! this "no going back"--don't believe people who feed you that. you don't need to rush into hormones--you can just hang for a bit, and see if it feels right.

i think being trans/gnc has this severity attached. so many people worry they'll be "wrong", don't "know for sure"; don't want to "go through that" in case they later come to a different conclusion. i promise you--you are allowed to change your mind. you can be unsure!

transitioning is not nearly as speedy as it seems. most people i know were out for a significant amount of time before they began HRT--if they ever did at all! you can take baby steps and come out in stages, you can do a test-run, you can--if you want to--never go on HRT!

so many lovely people DM me asking how i knew, how can they know, do i have advice, what is/isn't dysphoria...listen baby. if you are lying awake at night torturing yourself over whether you are a boy/girl/neither...you probably are! the answer may never fall out of the heavens.

you probably are--and, again--it is OK if you AREN'T. just don't let yourself deny the possibility you *could* be because you're afraid you *couldn't*. i get it, i really do. i experimented with gender fluidity for a long time before i settled comfortably on being a trans guy.

i spent years toturing myself over attempting to define and categorize my dysphoria. i took more online quizzes than a Zoom school student. i pored over forums and threads until 3:00 AM, watched trans movies and shows, made trans friends. and still, i felt frozen in the unknown.

but there was no conclusion for me to comfortably arrive at without embracing the fact that i was searching for one. i told my friends i thought i could be trans; that i was experimenting w/ gender fluidity. that i maybe was a woman, but maybe a man. or maybe neither.

and you know what? they were ok with that! no one freaked out at me, said i was insane, or "not doing it right". no one demanded an answer from me. they all nodded and used they/them pronouns for a while. everyone kind of just let me...chill.

i'll always remember one day, teetering yet again on the gender brink, i tearfully said to one of my best friends--"i think i might...just be a guy. but i'm worried i'll come out, and it'll feel wrong." she looked up from her phone and was like, "...where is the crime in that?"

i came out shortly after, but just to those closest to me. i decided to let myself just...think it. just to myself, in my head. "i am trans!". it was my own, private, test-run coming-out; i shared it with those i felt safe with. and a couple months later, it suddenly felt..easy.

in conclusion: take your time. trust the process. try to embrace any possible end-game "answer" for yourself by accepting that you're searching for one.

and you know what? it's gonna be ok. you have people who love you, no matter what happens, no matter what you identify as.

hey all--it means so much to me that this has resonated with some of you. i wish i could give you all hugs. i thought i would share one of my favorite resources with you all- the transgender archive! seeing our history changed my life! https://www.digitaltransgenderarchive.net/