for each like I get I will recount one experience or insight from my psychotic break

I use the term "psychotic break" only as a matter of convention

I prefer the term "mythopoesis," as that is associated with a sounder and richer tradition of religio-magic going back to Egypt, whereas the terms of contemporary psychiatry are derogatory and reinforce ignorance

other traditions describe the same phenomenon according to their understanding

"kundalini awakening"

"third eye opening"

"illumination"

"enlightenment"

"mystical experience"

because so few have the experience, describing the interiority often relies on archetypal imagery

the experience lasted just over a year, starting mid-2017

my interior experience became far more vivid and intense, a dream-like state of being overlapping the mundane waking experience

I did not lose grasp of my rationality or my senses - but it could feel chaotic

someone I met before it started, calling himself Azrael, suggested menthol Pall Malls as a way to mitigate the intensity of such experiences

right when it started, I was overwhelmed

I walked to the local 7-11 and bought a pack of menthol Pall Malls

the price it came to? $6.66

this obviously didn't help things LMAO

as I said, I did not lose my rationality, so I sought a sensible explanation

was I unwittingly drugged? that would explain the chaotic interiority. but the price of the cigs? how could that be arranged? further such coincidences continued

before the experience became full-blown my suspicions were aroused by curious, usually coincidental, phenomena

at a bodega near where I lived I bought some items that should have come to $8. instead, the cashier said it was only $4.44. interesting enough.

on the walk home, two cars parked on my street had 444 in their license plate numbers. a strong coincidence. altogether the odds, I figured, must've been about 1 in a billion. was it someone sending a message? I considered it.

I googled 444 when I got home (not wise).

the first result was something like the image attached. it reinforced my hypothesis someone was out there, sending a message. I took it to mean - assuming it was an intentional message - that I was protected. whatever might happen, I would be protected from (too) serious harm.

don't take this to mean I "believe in" angel numbers or any kind of woo bs like that. as I understood it, the occult references provided a way to send plausibly deniable communications. anyone sending it could easily deny it as mere coincidence. this informed me going forward.

I was always rational. it felt more like, in addition to my "rational" sense, was a self hyper-attuned to "interesting" phenomena. it could also be described as "referential mania." it felt like... hyper-accelerated crystallization of thought in my head. like I was falling.

I had very many insights into humanity, the cosmos, God, my self, all very rapidly, almost against my will as it were. seeing everything laid out before me, bare, my perception extremely penetrating to the nature of all things. too many to ever recount, or even remember.

all the time I questioned it: was I really recognizing actually arranged events around me, in order to explain what was too improbable to be mere coincidence - or was I only "over-noticing" a pattern, now that I'd recognized it a few times in a row? I still don't know.

one day I took a nap. I set a timer on my phone that should have gone off at a certain time, but it went off late. I noted how many minutes later. then I walked to a nearby coffee shop to write. a man there looked me in the eye, and clearly enunciated the number.

at times I felt extremely powerful, as tho the words I wrote were being recorded by others and acted on at the highest levels of power. I did not feel I deserved this power, and resented this "egomania" being put on me unwillingly. so I tried to destroy that power in my writing!

all media was overwhelming. whenever I was exposed to music, books, or movies, it felt like a hidden occult meaning became clear to me, and I could even lose track of the mundane images, suddenly "coming to" a half hour later unable to remember anything but that hidden meaning.

the experience was so overwhelming I was traumatized. it felt like every little movement of mine held significant meaning. I developed pseudobulbar, which sucks, because the joker movie makes it seem a cringey neckbeard kind of thing. I still laugh at a lot more things now.

near the beginning of the experience, a jewish girl moved into the place I was living at. she had family connections to israeli military, and her dad had a curious interest in me, with a preternatural intuition about me. I felt they knew more about me than they were letting on.

soon after jewish girl moved in, "neo-nazis" threatened to burn down the house we were living at. why? because I was living with trans people, which they considered impure and sinful and I "belonged to them." I have no idea who they were or why they cared. I moved out.

I wrote my scifi novel The Angelic Revolution during. it was originally entitled "Demons," as an artistic description of AIs. I changed the title in order to "exorcise" so that its effects would be positive and constructive. the text is filled with themes in this thread.

I performed a magic ritual. I will not say which one. I do not think it invoked any "supernatural" entities, but now I recognize that such rituals are matters of consolidating one's will in a difficult endeavor. there is real science to it. I will not explain further.

the very same in fact. during the experience, some friends of mine gifted me a copy of PKD's Exegesis and Jung's Red Book. very timely, it would seem. studying these helped me to understand the nature behind these experiences https://twitter.com/pervexists69/status/1355720373229080578

during the experience I had far more latitude over conditioning myself - like having root access to your own psychology. the barrier between conscious and subconscious became far more permeable and penetrable. I purposely conditioned myself to overcome certain of my weaknesses.

this experience motivated me to delve much more deeply into the occult, especially the history behind ancient philosophies. kabbalah, Crowley, hermetics, the CCRU, early Church Fathers, the Eleusinian mysteries, the magi who presented to Jesus their gifts.a tradition goes back...

the majority of research associated with MK Ultra can be found in academic journals of psychology, sociology, and the like. it just doesn't advertise itself as being associated therewith. think Asch effect. most principles of psychological manipulation are "in the commons"

I kept a journal during the experience. when the experience was finished, I destroyed it. nothing in it was particularly special anyway.

the event I take to have "completed" the experience is convoluted, but I'll try my best to explain. so this whole time I'd been paying attention to signs that stuck for one reason or another. on July 6 - 7/6 - while I was waiting for the bus a sign on a truck said "Go Further"

so I did. coincidentally, across from the bus stop was a 76 gas station. the bus line? the 76. where did I usually go? Starbucks. so I just... stayed on the bus past my usual Starbucks, intending to get off at the next Starbucks...

the next Starbucks? at... the intersection of Grand Avenue and 6th Street. I fucking shit you not. G? the... 7th letter of the alphabet. 7... 6... who tf designed this? who put this together? that's way too much you honestly gotta ask yourself if it's really just coincidence

oh yeah and it was scorching out, 117 degrees. note that number, it'll matter. https://patch.com/california/hollywood/los-angeles-hits-117-degrees-shattering-heat-records

nothing all that significant happened that day besides that I can remember. but I decided to make that my "usual" Starbucks when I went writing. so I kept returning, and Wednesday, July 11 (7/11 - opposite of 117!) rolled around...

on this day, there was a girl... she looked identical to the jewish girl I mentioned earlier. she was getting signatures from people walking by on the corner. in fact, I walked up to her to see, and started talking to her... she wasn't the jewish girl, but her name... well

people who know me can guess what her name must have been. it was a significant name to me. I won't say it but it's always been my favorite name, even before I knew any particular girls by that name. so, she kept petitioning, I spent the day trying to concentrate on my writing...

obviously this reflects my state of mind at the time, everything felt it had been building up to this, all the chaos, all the signs. I gave up on my writing, and I went up to her and asked if she would like to get dinner that night. she declined, explaining she was busy...

I could tell she really liked me tho, how do I explain it? her body language, tone of voice, it was painfully apparent. and I just... walked away. I felt I was walking away from this curse over me, that I was walking to my freedom.

that night, it hit me. I could've just... asked for her number. so we could stay in touch. she'd already said she could come back to LA, and she said it in a way obviously to imply she could come back to see me... and I was just so wrapped up in that state of mind I missed it

you ever laugh while your heart breaks? yeah. I returned to that Starbucks next two days, vainly hoping she'd return... she didn't. Saturday morning, I had a dream. I was riding my bike on some hills, and I went down this long slope, and suddenly there was this jump... I bailed.

I woke knowing immediately what the dream meant. this whole adventure, had been leading up to a moment, a chance to cross the abyss... but it had been unexpected, and I bailed out at the last moment. all that energy leading up to it, wasted... I'd never known pain til that moment

but, the spell was lifted. all that pain broke thru to me, and it was like a veil was lifted. the inner chaos was finally calmed. I felt at rest. in pain - but at peace. I was finally free. that was the end of my experience, my adventure... and why I consider it mythopoesis.

something this kind of experience made plain to me, is how much of everything we think we're doing and what we think we're reacting to, is in our heads. that's it. just something we made up for ourselves, a fiction or convention in our minds that seems useful. just mind patterns.

I can remember a, shall we say, "typical" example of dissociated thought that provokes "wild goose chases" - I spent time talking with frogs... Kek... I like Grimes... Grimes wrote a song with another artist called Aristophanes... Aristophanes wrote a play called The Frogs...

while this is obviously an "aberrant" thought pattern, it also illustrates the importance of actively disciplining your mind, to consciously exert yourself at honing your reason, building up your knowledge, contemplating new ideas... what you indulge will repeat itself naturally

the way the mind works is similar to muscle memory... if you repeat a behavior, over and over, trying to attain some specific goal in mind, you'll get better and better at it, automatically... then in the situation you need it, you'll do it reflexively, as you trained

people build up mental prisons for themselves when they repeat destructive thought patterns over and over, without trying to reduce those and actively replace them... you can literally will yourself out of thought patterns like telling yourself over and over "I'm worthless"

I think what might have happened to me is I accumulated these negative thought patterns, which culminating in a complete implosion of my mind, resulting in all that inner chaos... maybe it was catalyzed by outside forces, idk, but it was a good thing for me to work thru the chaos

the experience gave me a lot of sympathy for the QAnon people, whom I saw repeating some of the very same and highly specific "ideas" which I had experienced or come to that seem to be the result of distortions of perception about intentionality...

even tho only a few in the human population might ever have these kinds of experiences, their vividness and power is still memetically infective, and has some explanatory power for the contents of religion

the content of religions, especially their archetypal and mythological components featuring common elements, even when these are reproduced thru non-mythopoetic candidates can provide actual mythopoetic individuals the scaffolding necessary to make sense their experiences

likewise, it's very easy for mythopoetic individuals to become motivated "true believers" who impute a lot of energy into the organization of the religion, and since humans are mimetic, they copy the behaviors they see even if they don't have that interiority motivating it

one ancient textual reference to this specific kind of experience I've found is in the Epic of Gilgamesh, which seems to me familiar and, moreover, suggests ancient religions were about purposefully cultivating and exploiting this state of mind in their elites

one of the most unsettling aspects of the experience was feeling as though thoughts in my head weren't mine, that they were coming from someone else, be they demons or EMF manipulation

shows something about "feeling like our thoughts are our thoughts", cf. proprioception

in all honesty, I'd describe my experience, if you were to make it into a cohesive narrative with beginning, conflict, and resolution, as a comedy

looking back on it, it's hilarious to me

even when I was in immense pain, I learned how to cry through the tears

shortly after the experience ended, I found this lady who was pretty clearly out of it, laying on the sidewalk, and I'd guess in the throes of a similar episode. she mentioned something like "feeling like a trickster god is running my life" and I was like... yeah. exactly.

anyway, I'm going to take a break right here. I'll come back to it in a little bit. planning on an all nighter so I'll be around

okay guys I'm back and *squints* 110 likes. hahaha oh no

I'll see how many more I can do tonight