Hey everyone! Planning to thread some #firstlinefrenzy submissions this afternoon. Remember, these are subs from the 1/21 live event, no new submissions accepted today. Any preference on genre today??

Okay, I'm doing 10 each, romance/WF & adult fantasy. We're just at the beginning of this FLF thread journey, so thank you in advance for patiently awaiting your genre and/or line. Recorded bonus eps Friday, which will probably go up next week on IGTV. #firstlinefrenzy

Remember, the format here is:

1A Author first name + last initial / genre
First line
Feedback in threaded tweets linked alphabetically: 1A, 1B, 1C, etc.

Questions welcome, but be sure to use the #firstlinefrenzy tag or I'm likely to miss it!

1A NTA (?) / WF

It didn't happen often, but today Autumn Starling felt alive.

I'm more interested in what *exactly* about today has Autumn so fired up, e.g. (cont'd) #firstlinefrenzy

2A "It was rare for Autumn Starling to feel as alive as she did today, but [thing] had had her heart racing since 7am." Or whatever. Point being, unless Autumn is a vampire, "feeling alive" is less impressive than it initially seems. #firstlinefrenzy

Oops I already screwed up my own numbering system. Sorry! That second tweet about Autumn should have been labeled "1B" not "2A". Onward....

#firstlinefrenzy

2A S.M. West / romantic suspense

Wide blue eyes blink up at me and I’m heartsick, unable to discern if his gaze is child-like wonder, or something more disturbing, a barren wasteland, devoid of emotion or understanding. #firstlinefrenzy

2B This is such a curious description, isn't it? Creepy but somehow tender, and kinda makes you go . There are some grammatical and usage problems here that make the prose feel too busy and crowded. For example... #firstlinefrenzy

2C The gaze itself isn't "childlike [one word!] wonder," but might be filled with that; we don't need a comma after "wonder"; and we could probably use an em dash after "disturbing". This brings in a new problem, which is wonder "fills" a gaze but (cont'd) #firstlinefrenzy

2D the "wasteland" is an absence. So we're looking at these eyes and thinking "Are they full of A, or are they B, devoid of C and D?" It's a lot of pointing in different directions and saying LOOK. #firstlinefrenzy

3A Beth C. / romance

Making it to my dad's the next morning I find that Tristan is already filling his car with luggage. #firstlinefrenzy

3B I'm not wild about the way this line immediately transfers our focus from the MC to Tristan (whoever the heck he is). Also, simply arriving at a place is not very interesting -- we're catching MC at a moment of quotidian movement, not action. #firstlinefrenzy

3C I'd fast-forward two minutes into the scene and see where you are. Is Tristan supposed to be leaving? Is MC pissed he's going, or has s/he been waiting for him to get gone? Embody MC's experience b4 you turn our gaze outward. #firstlinefrenzy

4A Janet W. / time-travel romance

Tendrils of fog swirled out of the darkness and eddied, white and eerie, around the tiny lantern flickering on his gondola’s prow. #firstlinefrenzy

4B This is a heavy focus on setting, with a lot of language devoted to fog: what it looks like, the vibe it gives, where it goes. I'm more interested in who's riding in the gondola (anyone?), and whether they welcome the opportunity to be obscured. #firstlinefrenzy

5A Laila N. / romantic thriller > Clarify that your plot qualifies as thriller, rather than suspense.

If I’d know that the last time I’d see Blake was that day we’d spent in Aberdovey in the summer, I would have told him something more...something more profound. #firstlinefrenzy

5B I'm sorry I just -- #firstlinefrenzy

5C Okay, for real though: We're wordy through the first half of the sentence, which could be more efficiently articulated: "If I'd known the last time I'd see Blake was that summer day in Aberdovey..." #firstlinefrenzy

5D If MC is feeling regret over a missed opportunity, I sort-of doubt s/he has left things so vague. What's the profound thing? Specificity can be extremely powerful--and you can find humor here, too, if the narrative voice has space for that. E.g. (cont'd) #firstlinefrenzy

5E "If I'd known the last time I'd see Blake was that summer day in Aberdovey, I would have told him we didn't have time to waste not loving each other, when love was hovering so close. That, and not to eat those tacos we bought at a roadside stand." #firstlinefrenzy

6A Julie P. / romance

Life doesn't always give you lemons to make lemonade.

#firstlinefrenzy

6B I don't think anyone is standing around waiting for lemons, y'know? The adage, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade" assumes that said lemons were unexpected. It literally means "make do with what you've got." #firstlinefrenzy

6C So with that interpretation (the correct one), I'm not sure what we're to make of the first line. If life hasn't handed you any proverbial lemons, one assumes... this is... a good thing? No curve balls, no unexpected circumstances. #firstlinefrenzy

6D I love when we can play with reader expectations by subverting a trope/familiar phrase/conventional wisdom, but we have to do so impeccably precisely because these ideas are so familiar. #firstlinefrenzy

7A Kathryn H. / dark romance

The first time I ever laid my eyes on the Reaper, I was 14.

#firstlinefrenzy

7B Love the creepiness here, but let's put the focus on our protagonist first: "I was fourteen the first time I laid eyes on the Reaper." This is also more efficient, and notably eliminates the superfluous "my". Good job! #firstlinefrenzy

8A Celeste J.B. / WF

On the last perfect day of her life, Moira's heart held so much joy, she had to dance. #firstlinefrenzy

8B I'm entirely charmed by this! Narrative persona has foreknowledge, which creates some distance from the subject -- but that works here (in women's fiction) better than it might in, say, romance. #firstlinefrenzy

8C There's also a nifty balance between the portent of the first phrase, contrasted against the light loveliness of the latter half. Moira approves. #firstlinefrenzy

9A Kristine B. / PNR

Lila clamped her hand over Calyssa’s mouth and put her finger to her lips. #firstlinefrenzy

9B Lots of hand choreography here. You're getting some residual tension from the fact that Lila is putting her hands on Calyssa in a way I suspect Calyssa is not super-thrilled about, and of course there's the question of why they have to be quiet... #firstlinefrenzy

9C But I think this sentence actually belongs a few sentences AFTER sentence #1. Start when Lila hears whatever it is that makes her act the way she does. What scares her/causes alarm? #firstlinefrenzy

10A Annie L. / Chick Lit > You guys know by now I'm not a fan of this term, right? Also, Annie, there was sorta kinda a major, franchise-crowning film a couple years back with the exact title of your book. Probably worth changing to aid discoverability

#firstlinefrenzy

10B We were an unlikely group of compatriots bent on revenge -- the mistress, the fiancee, the next in line for a romp in the hay, and the wife, the dead wife, hovering around the table like the steam rising from our coffee cups. #firstlinefrenzy

10C For starters, I'd recommend a colon instead of the em dash if we're introducing a list of any kind. Let's also reconsider the parallelism in the list itself. "The mistress" and "the fiancee" check out, but "the next in line for a romp in the hay" is a doozy. #firstlinefrenzy

10D What about "the mistress, the fiancee, the floozy, and the wife -- the dead wife, hovering around the table like the steam rising from our coffee cups." I love the First Wives Club x Casper vibes #firstlinefrenzy

How's everyone doing? I'm going to switch over to fantasy now for another 10 entries. If you're thinking about grumbling abt the fact that I did fantasy submissions the other day -- #firstlinefrenzy

11A Ellen R. / Fantasy

Stealth was essential, but upon this barren, open field, there was little chance for that. #firstlinefrenzy

11B You can do more to enhance both tension and efficiency here. "Essential stealth was impossible on this open, barren field, so..." >> Then you get right in there with a character and action. #firstlinefrenzy

12A Taunar E. / fantasy

Maylwen, sitting in a chair with an open bottle of wine in his hands, stared fixedly into the distance and did not notice that the eyes of the ancient portrait on the wall were spying on him. #firstlinefrenzy

12B Great idea, clunky execution. Ask yourself what's 100% necessary for us to know in order to accomplish this sentence's goals. You want us to see Maylwen NOT seeing the portrait watching him, yes? #firstlinefrenzy

12C In that case, save the open bottle for sentence 2 or 3 -- it's just weighing you down here. I'm also not sold on "stared fixedly into the distance." What's eating Maylwen that he's got this 10-mile stare? Hint at the source of preoccupation. #firstlinefrenzy

13A S.N. Odland / urban F

I took a sip of my latte thinking I shouldn’t have stopped for a latte. #firstlinefrenzy

13B Could probably be funnier with better execution, but ultimately, how interesting is coffee regret? If they shouldn't have stopped because they're now running late, fast-forward to the moment they arrive (late) to wherever they need to be. #firstlinefrenzy

14A Emily J. / Epic F

Shadows are the most merciful liars.

Yes you DID, Emily -- YES YOU DID.
#firstlinefrenzy

15A Karla D. / PNR

The blinding light receded to show my feet floating above a misty surface. #firstlinefrenzy

15B If this is a dream, I'm going to be annoyed. Dreams happen when you're asleep. You know what happens after you're asleep? YOU WAKE UP. That's not how we pray at this church. #firstlinefrenzy

15C Now let's assume for a sec that this isn't a dream sequence (it's totally a dream sequence). I'd recommend bringing the embodied experience of our character to the fore. Don't focus on the light -- focus on the floating. #firstlinefrenzy

16A Wesley G. / "Comedic fantasy meets astronomical fiction with heavenly overtones" > This is not a genre. I considered DQing you for this, Wesley. Say it with me: Fantasy. You hazard sounding extremely pretentious with your current designation. #firstlinefrenzy

16B Poppitt Flats is twenty miles up the roughtest [sic], dustiest, kinkiest dirt road ever layed [sic] down by man or natural disaster, and it ain't on the way to nowhere, 'cept Poppitt Flats.

This is why I didn't DQ you for that hellacious genre tag. #firstlinefrenzy

16C Spelling errors aside, this is a great first line. It's specific, full of voice, and activates the setting in a dreamy-yet-grounded way that makes me want to keep reading. Doesn't sound especially fantasy-ish, but we don't actually know your genre #firstlinefrenzy

17A Paddy T. / Epic F

In the middle of the room, flames crackled and a log settled into the fire pit with a spark of embers. #firstlinefrenzy

17B Again, this is line 3 or 4 or 17 -- not line 1. I'm looking for one or more of the following: character, voice, specific setting, intriguing hook, conflict. Your first line is probably hiding somewhere in your first couple pages. #firstlinefrenzy

18A Kate M. / PNR

Who needs lighter fluid when you have fire magic? #firstlinefrenzy

18B Who indeed?? I like the way this line bridges the gap between the ordinary and the extraordinary. It's casual, conversational, and immediately establishes the modernity of our MC. It's not blowing me away, but it works. #firstlinefrenzy

19A Stuart L. / Urban F

Mark Kipling had a new body, and it would take some getting used to. #firstlinefrenzy

19B I like the concept here, but let's push for more specificity. What's the #1 thing Mark finds strange about the new body, and/or what's the new thing giving him the most trouble in this exact moment? Start there. #firstlinefrenzy

20A Vicki B.W. / Fantasy

Officer Naomi Sparks stepped from the police station and the door closed behind her. #firstlinefrenzy

20B This is a little too quotidian to merit first-line status. "Naomi left a building" is not inherently interesting, and dressing that up with more words -- even words that establish her profession and location -- isn't helping. #firstlinefrenzy

That's all for today, my dears! I'll keep sorting and tweeting and sorting and sorting and oh right, more sorting. Thanks again to all our participants! Keep an eye on my IG feed (:beccafaithheyman) for those bonus eps this week. #firstlinefrenzy OUT.