Thread by @TWkLGBTQ, I know that earlier this week I'd shared that nonbinary flowchart and [...]

I know that earlier this week I'd shared that nonbinary flowchart and said it lit a light bulb for me, but for the purpose of this meditation I'm going to be speaking as a cis man, since that's what I was at the times all this happened

So, though I was very ignorant about sexual things as a teen, and went along with whatever as a young adult (remember that phrase), I knew generally what Men was Supposed To Do; "score" as early and often as possible

Not scoring was Bad, and the kind of thing reserved for Losers

As a teen I didn't much care, becuase I was already not part of the In Group, and if that's what was required, then whatever, I didn't need it

Once college came, and I got into a steady relationship, things started to get much more complicated

During this time I was Abstinate Until Marriage, and so was my partner...but once we started living together we both shifted our positions on that. Hers because she wanted to try it, mine because she wnated to try it

What did I want? To make her happy, as any Good Man does, ofc

I tried my best, according to what I was able and willing to do, though some cracks were starting even then. For instance, she got mad when, after asking if I'd ever thought about pulling off the road to have sex somewhere secret, I responded - honestly and plainly - with No

When she thought that maybe watching a porn movie together would help kick start out mediocre sex life, I agreed hesitantly, and was completely uncomfortable with the whole experience of picking, renting, and watching one afterward

I was upset that she was reacting this way, trying these things, and wondering why it wasn't good enough that I was having sex with her semi-regularly; why I was expected to think of and try such Out There (for me) things

But that's what Men Are Supposed To Do, and I knew it

We just handled things as best we did in those days, though I do remember one incident where I got mad that she wanted to fool around while I was in the middle of playing a video game

One of those times I *really* wish I knew about asexuality back then

I also feel that I should note I wasn't really getting much of anything, physically, out of having sex. She'd always finish, but I would maybe 1 out of 20 times

That didn't matter to me, though, because she did, and everything I'd been taught said that was Rare

Not only that, but any Man that couldn't get his partner to orgasm was a terrible lover and a selfish person - two things I very much did not want to be

So, no matter how I felt or what I wanted at the time, if we started, I wouldn't stop until either she finished or said stop

Further, becuase Men are supposed to always want sex, and Women are supposed to be so stingy with offering it in long term relationships, I figured that I should just go with it whenever it happened, becuase that's what you're Supposed To Do

So we went on for a lot of years like this, up to and through marriage. And yes, we upheld the wedding night tradition. Even though, quite frankly, I didn't want to. But, once again, It's What You're Supposed To Do

This all came to a major breaking point about 5 years into our marriage. You may be able to guess what happened, based on what I've said so far

We were on vacation in a cabin in the mountains in January, which is right in the midst of American football playoffs for the non-sports minded, and our favorite team was playing. So, of course, I wanted to watch the game

She, however, wanted to fool around

I tried to get the message across by just not responding to her advances. Then backing away from her. Then finally telling her gently that I just wanted to watch the game

That went over as well as you might expect, and led to a HUGE fight

She was greatly hurt by my refusal of her advances, feeling like she wasn't attractive enough for me, or that I wasn't interested in her anymore. Neither of which was true

I tried to explain that I wasn't like Other Guys, & I didn't think about sex all the time. Not good enough

After some cooling off time I ended up going back & having sex with her, because it was important to her, and I wanted her to be happy. As a Good Man is supposed to do

But now the well was poisoned going forward; now I felt like I HAD to have sex, or we'd have another Huge Fight

It didn't matter anymore what I did or didn't want. It was all about avoiding the fight. Which is exactly as miserable as it sounds

I did everything I was Supposed To Do, and ended up miserable for it. So...what the fuck, pun not intended?

Once I got introduced to asexuality, so much of how I felt made sense finally. And it shed a huge spotlight on what I'd later come to know as compulsory sexuality and heteronormativity

Like I've said before, the marriage ended, and I've since come to realize that yeah, I was coerced in that cabin in the mountains. And that's led to a whole new slew of problems to unravel in therapy.

But underneath all of that were those pernicious Expectations

A large majority of the ace community is female (cis and/or trans), and what you'll hear again and again when you talk to non-male aces is that there's a fear of what's going to be Expected of them from Men regarding sex thanks to compulsive sexuality and heteronormativity

However....it's, quite frankly, not much different for Men/males. We're expected to be Highly Sexual, to always be looking for it, always ready for it, always wanting it. We've got Expectations that we're pressured to uphold to, & if you don't, you're looked at as Damaged or Odd

So, believe it or not, we're expected to participate in all that awful shit too. Regardless of whether or not we're instigating it, as it would turn out

Because I think I can count on my two hands the amount of times I ever instigated sex with my ex-wife

Being a guy, and thus having societal privilege and power, doesn't actually make life better or easier when you're ace. Because baked-in perceptions come with all of those things, and people don't react well when you don't live up to them

My hope is that, as these concepts become more well-known and well understood both in & out of the queer community, more and more men/males/AMAB people will realize that describes them too, and they'll realize they don't need to do anything sexual if they damn well don't want to

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