Really, fuck a load of that #HarshWritingAdvice. Here’s a corrective: a list of the worst, most bullshit-stuffed, unhelpful & destructive writing advice I’ve received. Here goes.

1. “If you were going to do it, you would have done it by now.”

That was told to me when I was 20.

2. “You really need to give up all the other stuff and dedicate yourself to it.”

You guessed! Someone who didn’t need to work a dayjob told young me that. Most of those really prolific writers? They don’t work, and 99% of the time it’s not because they make money from writing.

3. “Write about what you know.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Bullshit! Listen: Write about whatever you fucking well wanna wrote about! Write about what you don’t know, if it feels interesting! Writing it will make you journey into it and find stuff out! Like, I should write about scruffy

little British blokes from London’s dormitory towns? Really? Or going to the shops? Way to clip people’s wings. Get out of here with your dead, joyless Stick To What You Know, and use it as a buttplug while you go.

4. “[Your idea] has been done already.”

No it bloody hasn’t. Because you are gonna give it your own vibe, soul and story. Anyone saying that doesn’t understand what creativity is. This is my hard: It’s not a patent for a kettle, it’s your cool thing, and only you can tell it.

(The only time this might be worth listening to is when it comes from a publisher and it’s regarding a nonfiction pitch. And even then, treat it as a challenge to differentiate your approach a little more, not as a killer. There is a brilliant story about this... from France...

The leading magazine in France at one point was a TV listings mag called ‘Tele 7 Jours’.

One day, someone came up with an idea for a competitor. They were repeatedly told, “No. That’s kinda been done already by Tele 7 Jours.”

But they were sure that didn’t discount their idea.

So they persisted, and finally someone said, OK, that could work.

They launched it, and immediately it became the leading magazine, displacing Tele 7 Jours.

The idea that they were told was a non-starter was this: To launch a magazine for the same price called Tele 14 Jours.

OK, 6th. If you don’t get a deal with an idea, it does NOT always mean try a different one, or go back to square one. You’d be surprised how a reangle can make a huge difference. Think about what you were pitching it as. It could just be that retooling with a new hook makes it!

Me too! But time for a reprise on Shitty Advice No.1 (Start of thread.) It wasn’t a novel, it was nonfiction. I had done so much on it! The sources were all lined up, interviewees willing to talk. My susceptibility to one person’s crappy advice killed my faith in the project.

So here’s my reaction to #HarshWritingAdvice. Do yourself a favour: treat anyone with ‘harsh advice’ on ANYTHING with EXTREME caution. Why so harsh? What the fuck does anyone need ‘harsh advice’ when they are starting out on an endeavour like writing which thrives on confidence?

Give me ‘harsh advice’ when I’m snorting away my billions using a gold straw, as my superyacht is sold to pay creditors and former friends lament the soulless husk I became. Then, and only then, intervene. Until then, it’s hard out here, so stick ‘harsh advice’ up yer bum. /Ends