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What it’s like having a meltdown. A personal autistic perspective.
For me it’s a bit like noticing a pan of milk is just about to boil over.
It’s clear it’s going to happen, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.
#autism
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
1/
What it’s like having a meltdown. A personal autistic perspective.
For me it’s a bit like noticing a pan of milk is just about to boil over.
It’s clear it’s going to happen, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.
#autism
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
1/
Meltdowns seem to come out of nowhere, and in a way they do.
Things suddenly get too much. Noise, touch, or some other sensory input tip me over the edge.
Meltdowns can also be triggered by the demands of emotionally loaded conversations.
2/
Things suddenly get too much. Noise, touch, or some other sensory input tip me over the edge.
Meltdowns can also be triggered by the demands of emotionally loaded conversations.
2/
But a meltdown doesn’t just happen because of the trigger, an accumulation of stuff leads up to it.
There’s a point at which the boiling over simply can’t be averted.
All I can do is try to take the heat out of the situation.
For me this means being left completely alone.
3/
There’s a point at which the boiling over simply can’t be averted.
All I can do is try to take the heat out of the situation.
For me this means being left completely alone.
3/
Meltdown is a heightened emotional state When I’m coming down from the peak it’s important no more heat is applied.
Parts of my brain are temporarily unavailable for thinking and communication.
Being involved in any kind of conversation risks setting things off again.
4/
Parts of my brain are temporarily unavailable for thinking and communication.
Being involved in any kind of conversation risks setting things off again.
4/
Being in a state of meltdown makes me feel extremely vulnerable. That’s why I made a crisis plan.
In meltdown I hang onto this plan like a drowning person hanging onto a life raft.
And if people around me don’t stick to it, it feels like a catastrophic breach of trust.
5/
In meltdown I hang onto this plan like a drowning person hanging onto a life raft.
And if people around me don’t stick to it, it feels like a catastrophic breach of trust.
5/
Leaving me alone when I’m in distress seems counterintuitive to other people. But it is the only way I can recover.
I may become quiet before I’ve calmed down. Trying to discuss things at that point turns the heat back up.
Instead of keeping me safe, this puts me at risk.
6/
I may become quiet before I’ve calmed down. Trying to discuss things at that point turns the heat back up.
Instead of keeping me safe, this puts me at risk.
6/
The peak of distress is followed by a trough of despair.
Why did this meltdown happen? How could I have prevented it? What impact has it had on other people?
My emotions feel raw and exposed. My senses are still jangling.
I am utterly exhausted.
7/
Why did this meltdown happen? How could I have prevented it? What impact has it had on other people?
My emotions feel raw and exposed. My senses are still jangling.
I am utterly exhausted.
7/
For me the aftermath of meltdown is often withdrawal.
Communication is hazardous so silence seems safer.
My overwrought emotions can’t take any more strain.
Shutting down is the best way for me to recover.
I want to be left completely alone.
I need peace and quiet.
8/
Communication is hazardous so silence seems safer.
My overwrought emotions can’t take any more strain.
Shutting down is the best way for me to recover.
I want to be left completely alone.
I need peace and quiet.
8/
Recovery often takes longer than expected.
I’m not just recovering from whatever triggered the meltdown. I’m recovering from the whole accumulation of stuff that led up to it.
If the other demands are still bearing down on me, I’m only a trigger away from another meltdown.
9/
I’m not just recovering from whatever triggered the meltdown. I’m recovering from the whole accumulation of stuff that led up to it.
If the other demands are still bearing down on me, I’m only a trigger away from another meltdown.
9/
In the aftermath of a meltdown I’m analysing what caused it in infinite detail.
I’m aware of all the contributing factors, as well as what ended up triggering it. But I probably lack the energy to do much about it.
I need time to recover my strength and equilibrium first.
10/
I’m aware of all the contributing factors, as well as what ended up triggering it. But I probably lack the energy to do much about it.
I need time to recover my strength and equilibrium first.
10/
I have to build up my reserves of energy gradually to take action.
But the motivation to deal with the difficult stuff diminishes as meltdowns fade into memory.
These are enduring, recurring issues with no obvious, easy solutions.
It can feel completely overwhelming.
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But the motivation to deal with the difficult stuff diminishes as meltdowns fade into memory.
These are enduring, recurring issues with no obvious, easy solutions.
It can feel completely overwhelming.
11/
Much of what is happening is hidden from other people. The intense emotional aftermath of meltdown; self-recrimination, shame and despair.
It’s physical too. My ears are ringing, things smell too strong, even my clothes are irritating me.
It all got too much for me, again.
12/
It’s physical too. My ears are ringing, things smell too strong, even my clothes are irritating me.
It all got too much for me, again.
12/
I used to see meltdowns as my responsibility, but this doesn’t reflect the reality.
Pressure from external sources is a major factor, and I’m only partly in control of this.
Stresses relating to employment, relationships, health, the pandemic, all feed into what happens.
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Pressure from external sources is a major factor, and I’m only partly in control of this.
Stresses relating to employment, relationships, health, the pandemic, all feed into what happens.
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Meltdowns aren’t an inevitable part of being autistic for me, and they’re not a healthy release of tension.
I want to avoid them.
The best time for me to take action to prevent meltdowns is when I’m most calm.
That’s when I can make plans and tackle the really big issues.
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I want to avoid them.
The best time for me to take action to prevent meltdowns is when I’m most calm.
That’s when I can make plans and tackle the really big issues.
14/
A meltdown sometimes happens just after I’ve been thinking it’s a long while since the last one.
It’s not because of auto-suggestion, it’s because too much stuff has accumulated again.
To be completely free of meltdowns I’d have to make some difficult life decisions.
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It’s not because of auto-suggestion, it’s because too much stuff has accumulated again.
To be completely free of meltdowns I’d have to make some difficult life decisions.
15/
Meltdowns are the price I pay for going out to work, being in relationships, engaging with the world, doing social things.
The discomfort of never quite fitting in and all the micro-aggressions, like eye-rolls and sarcasm, add up.
Eventually it simply gets too much.
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The discomfort of never quite fitting in and all the micro-aggressions, like eye-rolls and sarcasm, add up.
Eventually it simply gets too much.
16/
I used to see myself as the problem; the only common denominator in all of these difficult situations.
But then I discovered the world isn’t adapted for someone autistic like me.
In meltdown I’m feeling the pain, hurt, and unfairness of this, along with everything else.
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But then I discovered the world isn’t adapted for someone autistic like me.
In meltdown I’m feeling the pain, hurt, and unfairness of this, along with everything else.
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Having a meltdown often highlights how bad things have got. It’s easier to see this with hindsight.
Prevention relies on spotting the early warning signs and taking action before it’s too late.
Like other very late dx autistic people, I may seem to be coping when I’m not.
18/
Prevention relies on spotting the early warning signs and taking action before it’s too late.
Like other very late dx autistic people, I may seem to be coping when I’m not.
18/
I’m writing this thread while it’s all very fresh in my mind. I had a meltdown last night.
I should have seen it coming. I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and not sleeping well for days.
The trigger was incredibly minor. The TV not being muted during a conversation.
19/
I should have seen it coming. I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and not sleeping well for days.
The trigger was incredibly minor. The TV not being muted during a conversation.
19/
The fact we often react to minor triggers, when there’s a whole hinterland of serious stuff hidden away, is probably what leads to autistic meltdowns being wrongly seen as tantrums.
They’re not.
There’s nothing I’m trying to get out of becoming overwhelmed and distressed.
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They’re not.
There’s nothing I’m trying to get out of becoming overwhelmed and distressed.
20/
I don’t generally see myself as inflexible, but when I’m in meltdown I am. The crisis plan has to be followed, and if it isn’t things escalate.
It’s essential that I’m given space.
Even footsteps in the bedroom overhead are too intrusive. I have a strong urge to flee.
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It’s essential that I’m given space.
Even footsteps in the bedroom overhead are too intrusive. I have a strong urge to flee.
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It can be very dangerous to be in meltdown. If we feel driven to leave home we may be at risk. Those of us with PTSD may dissociate.
Autistic people of colour face additional risks. One mum talked about her fear of her black teenage son having a meltdown in a public place.
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Autistic people of colour face additional risks. One mum talked about her fear of her black teenage son having a meltdown in a public place.
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I’m safe and resting, having stayed up a lot of the night. Physical agitation takes time to settle too.
I’m having a quiet day. No debriefs about what happened; it’s too soon.
I’m writing this from a personal perspective. Everyone’s experience of meltdown is different.
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I’m having a quiet day. No debriefs about what happened; it’s too soon.
I’m writing this from a personal perspective. Everyone’s experience of meltdown is different.
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If there’s anything good about having a meltdown it’s that it alerts me to things being out of balance.
Sometimes I’m aware there are things I need to address. Sometimes they’re more hidden.
Being in a state of limbo between jobs in the middle of a pandemic
isn’t easy.
24/
Sometimes I’m aware there are things I need to address. Sometimes they’re more hidden.
Being in a state of limbo between jobs in the middle of a pandemic
isn’t easy.
24/
The advice I’m giving myself is to ask for help - I’m not the best person to find out why the crisis plan my partner agreed to follow isn’t working.
I’m also going to be more assertive about my conditional job offer, and ask HR for regular updates so I’m not left hanging.
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I’m also going to be more assertive about my conditional job offer, and ask HR for regular updates so I’m not left hanging.
25/
I need to increase my self care efforts too. I watch too many news bulletins and press briefings which don’t do me any good at all.
From now on I’m only going to follow reliable information sources. Being gaslighted by the government is having a detrimental effect on me.
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From now on I’m only going to follow reliable information sources. Being gaslighted by the government is having a detrimental effect on me.
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Meltdowns for me are the result of every single thing. Micro to macro, personal to global.
It’s not surprising to feel under considerable strain at the moment, and to be struggling to cope.
There should be no shame about admitting this, but sadly there still is.
27/
It’s not surprising to feel under considerable strain at the moment, and to be struggling to cope.
There should be no shame about admitting this, but sadly there still is.
27/
I’m reminding myself what a difficult month January is for me, let alone the pandemic, let alone a new job I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to start.
Today I’ll do everything possible to soothe myself. The sun has just made an appearance, which is lifting my spirits already.
28/
Today I’ll do everything possible to soothe myself. The sun has just made an appearance, which is lifting my spirits already.
28/
Meltdowns play havoc with interoception so I’ll have to remind myself to eat and drink, and check in occasionally to see if I’m too hot or cold.
It’s a good day for a beach walk, and the journey would be justifiable. But the excitement of seeing the sea would be too much.
29/
It’s a good day for a beach walk, and the journey would be justifiable. But the excitement of seeing the sea would be too much.
29/
I’m going to settle for a gentle local walk, a favourite meal, photography, and some dog hugs.
Thinking of everyone else who is struggling at the moment.
It’s tough, but it won’t be like this for ever.
Hang on.
#autism
#autistic
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
30/ end
Thinking of everyone else who is struggling at the moment.
It’s tough, but it won’t be like this for ever.
Hang on.
#autism
#autistic
#AllAutistics
#ActuallyAutistic
30/ end
