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The day I was diagnosed, I sat in the hospital across from the psychiatrist and word vomited up five years of symptoms, of horror, of terror, of shame. I could barely speak and my whole body was shaking so much she grabbed onto me to keep me steady. Amidst everything else,
I told her I could never have children.
She said “actually, with the right treatment, you can have a baby in 2 years if you wanted”. I laughed through my tears and said “that’s nice of you but it’s impossible. I’m too afraid of my own mind. And I can’t take care of myself,
She said “actually, with the right treatment, you can have a baby in 2 years if you wanted”. I laughed through my tears and said “that’s nice of you but it’s impossible. I’m too afraid of my own mind. And I can’t take care of myself,
how can I take care of someone else. OCD consumes my life.” She just smiled and said “you never know”.
She found a medication that was like a miracle drug for me. Just over one year later, I was pregnant. I struggled the entire pregnancy because I was off all usual meds.
She found a medication that was like a miracle drug for me. Just over one year later, I was pregnant. I struggled the entire pregnancy because I was off all usual meds.
I don’t even know how I did it. I was a mess, but I got through it.
One year and 10 months after my diagnosis, my psychiatrist visited me in the maternity ward with my 2 day old baby with a script and a plan. I was back on full meds by the time my daughter was about 2 wks old.
One year and 10 months after my diagnosis, my psychiatrist visited me in the maternity ward with my 2 day old baby with a script and a plan. I was back on full meds by the time my daughter was about 2 wks old.
Now she is 3. There are days like today when she smiles and giggles at me and my breath is knocked out of me like a whoosh and I am filled with overwhelming love and gratitude. It is like magic.
I spent so many years of having bad thoughts believing it meant I was a bad person. When you hate your own mind, when hate yourself, that much, it’s hard to find yourself deserving of anything. I didn’t think I deserved help. I definitely didn’t think I deserved a child.
Having someone love you so unconditionally, despite all of your baggage, it is hard to keep hating yourself. She is my greatest gift. She doesn’t know how much mental strength it takes to be her mum and I hope she never knows about the pain behind it and the times I fall apart.
But oh, how she is worth every second.
*The End*
*The End*
P.S. This was a snippet from when I was 4 months pregnant. Posted to my mums group.
