Kissmate is really sick tonight (which is scary, but we're pretty sure it's a stomach flu?) so we're going to try to watch something fun: his copy of LEGO BATMAN, which I've never seen. #AnaWatches

#AnaWatches He warned me not to expect, uh, edgy coke-classic Batman, but I'm familiar with the Lego Batman character through various trailers and I remember liking him a lot, so I think we'll be fine. (Why never a live-action version of the Lego Batman? He's fun!)

#AnaWatches We're informed in an edgy deep voice that: "...Black. All really important films start with a black screen. And logos." Snerk. "DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what Superman? Come at me, bro." HOWLING.

#AnaWatches "Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab." ASJDLAKJSDLJ

#AnaWatches An airplane from "McGuffin Airlines" radios to ask permission to fly over the most crime-infested city in the world. They're carrying every explosive known to mankind (including "150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs") and "two best friends". Oh my god.

#AnaWatches Gotham air control feels good about this plan, "as long as they're best friends!" OH MY GOD.

#AnaWatches Joker immediately takes over the plane and the captain isn't afraid. "Batman will stop you. What about that time with the two boats?" "THIS IS BETTER THAN THE TWO BOATS." Such a better Joker than Leto.

#AnaWatches Kissmate thanks you for your well wishes and also added "LEGO BATMAN RULES" in his Jason From The Good Place voice.

#AnaWatches Gotham is simultaneously under attack from ALL the villains and we get a little roll-call. Bane seems cheerful. "Are you making some of those up?" the pilot asks after the introduction of Condiment-King. Comics, amiright.

#AnaWatches They try to flip on the bat-signal but it has been nefariously egged by Eggman. OH NO.

#AnaWatches We learn that Gotham is built over an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear, which makes SO MUCH SENSE by the way, and that Joker is going to cause the city to plummet into the abyss if the mayor doesn't surrender the city.

#AnaWatches They fly the mayor in to surrender and she advises him to "always bet on black" before pulling off her face to reveal she is Batman. OH MY GOD. (I love the covering SWAT team and their cheerful "non-lethal!" weapons.)

#AnaWatches Batman: "I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all your butts!"

Joker: "Stop him before he starts singing!"

OH MY GOD.

#AnaWatches ...This is the greatest piece of art in all of human existence.

#AnaWatches HE HAS A PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "BATTITUDE".

#AnaWatches He sings "I am 100% not Bruce Wayne" and I am actually hyperventilating with laughter. Help me.

#AnaWatches The Lego physics are really beautiful? It's super cool to see how they physics?

#AnaWatches Bats tells Joker that they don't have a relationship ("I like to fight around") and that no one matters to him before saving the city again and visiting the orphanage with free Batman merch for them. Aww!

#AnaWatches Bats returns to his mansion-island (Password: "Iron Man sucks.") and it's very lonely and empty. Alfred is on the 17th floor, grouting tiles in the 2nd bathroom of the 5th master bedroom.

#AnaWatches Alfred left his lobster thermidor in the fridge and Bats heats it up in the microwave before eating it in his pool full of battleships. He's LONELY.

#AnaWatches My god, this is more interested in Bats' psyche than the last five live-action movies.

#AnaWatches (Me, to Kissmate: "Wait, how is Robin introduced in this film if the old movies are also canon to this timeline?" Kissmate: "Don't think about it. Stop that right now. Also: there are lots of Robins. Look over there, a distraction!")

#AnaWatches Alfred points out that he needs to face his greatest fear of being part of a family again. Batman insists it's just snake-clowns he's afraid of.

#AnaWatches On his way to a party, Bats takes in a Superman interview about the Phantom Zone that houses the world's greatest supervillains. Joker takes in the same show and has an Idea.

#AnaWatches "My name's Richard Grayson, but all the other children at the orphanage call me Dick!"

"Well, children can be cruel."

#AnaWatches Bats isn't paying attention to Dick--he's dazzled by the new commissioner, Barbara Gordon--so he kinda agrees to adopt orphan Dick before wandering off. My heart. This poor baby.

#AnaWatches Barbara has a 4-point plan to improve crime in Gotham by NOT relying on Batman and this is the most self-aware Batman movie I've ever seen? "We don't need an adult man karate-chopping poor people in a Halloween costume." YES?

#AnaWatches Joker crashes the party and Bats 'n Barbara kick ass separately before converging on Joker, who surrenders to Babs. She's suspicious (thank god) but what are you gonna do, NOT make the arrest?

#AnaWatches Harley (who is doing great here!) plants the suggestion that they send Joker to the Phantom Zone--the place with all the supervillains--and Batman loves the idea.

#AnaWatches Batman returns home to find that Alfred has locked him out of the computer. Alfred wants Bats to get to know the orphan he accidentally adopted at the gala. I was afraid I'd hate this Robin, but I love him. He's cute but not annoying.

#AnaWatches The computer assesses that the only way to send Joker to the Phantom Zone is to infiltrate Superman's fortress for a gadget, but he's too swol to fit through the access tunnel. Dick, however, is not.

#AnaWatches One costume-sequence later, Dick is wearing a glittery gold cape and Alfred has doubts. Batman: "How dare you tell me how to parent this child I just met!" I'm dying. Yes. Good. Yes.

#AnaWatches MY HEART, Batman has suddenly started putting his arm in front of Robin when he breaks the car, and HE CARES.

#AnaWatches Bats expects that Superman, like all heroes, broods all the time so it should be easy to distract him while Robin steals the thingy they need. Except, MY HEART, they're having the 57th Annual Justice League party without him. There's a disco ball.