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I don’t talk a lot about my mental and emotional health on here.
No reason. Just don’t.
But writing helps me process.
Gives my my mind something to do as I move through the stages of a typical panic attack for me.
So here goes:
No reason. Just don’t.
But writing helps me process.
Gives my my mind something to do as I move through the stages of a typical panic attack for me.
So here goes:
You can be both anxious and depressed at the same time.
And for me, they go hand-in-hand.
Extremely productive (workaholic) escapism to cope with stress and grief.
Depressive crash.
Panic attack.
Rinse. Repeat.
And for me, they go hand-in-hand.
Extremely productive (workaholic) escapism to cope with stress and grief.
Depressive crash.
Panic attack.
Rinse. Repeat.
It’s been like this—I’ve been like this—since I was a teen, at least.
Racing thoughts. Always.
Insomnia. Sometimes.
Panic attacks.
Always the panic attacks.
Sometimes it’s stress.
Sometimes it’s sleep deprivation.
Sometimes it’s honestly caffeine.
Sometimes all of it.
Racing thoughts. Always.
Insomnia. Sometimes.
Panic attacks.
Always the panic attacks.
Sometimes it’s stress.
Sometimes it’s sleep deprivation.
Sometimes it’s honestly caffeine.
Sometimes all of it.
Drug use definitely made it worse.
Especially the kind that really warp your brain.
Btw, you can have near-death experiences that only happen in your mind.
You’re traumatized all the same.
This is me. All of me.
The broken pieces that hit and hit hard.
Especially the kind that really warp your brain.
Btw, you can have near-death experiences that only happen in your mind.
You’re traumatized all the same.
This is me. All of me.
The broken pieces that hit and hit hard.
I usually know when it’s coming.
It goes in cycles.
I wish it didn’t.
And for a while? That made it worse.
Because of the same that came with feeling weak.
Less than everyone else.
Incapable.
Small.
Catharsis doesn’t come east.
I only cry as a last resort.
It goes in cycles.
I wish it didn’t.
And for a while? That made it worse.
Because of the same that came with feeling weak.
Less than everyone else.
Incapable.
Small.
Catharsis doesn’t come east.
I only cry as a last resort.
So bottled up stress and anxiety, the pressures that come from within, pretty much wreck me.
Time and time again.
I’ve learned some things along the way.
Tools to help me cope more healthfully.
But one thing most of all:
It’s okay to live with it.
Time and time again.
I’ve learned some things along the way.
Tools to help me cope more healthfully.
But one thing most of all:
It’s okay to live with it.
It’s okay to hurt with pain that comes from nowhere and defies words.
It’s okay to let it all fall down for a while and sit in the silence.
It’s okay to buzz and let the mind riot wear itself out.
It’s okay to not be okay.
And keep living.
It’s okay to let it all fall down for a while and sit in the silence.
It’s okay to buzz and let the mind riot wear itself out.
It’s okay to not be okay.
And keep living.
Why am I sharing this?
Because I grew up around a very stigmatized concept of mental health.
And folks?
That stigma still exists and it’s killing Christians slowly.
Because when your mind and body are fighting themselves?
They don’t need an instigator.
Because I grew up around a very stigmatized concept of mental health.
And folks?
That stigma still exists and it’s killing Christians slowly.
Because when your mind and body are fighting themselves?
They don’t need an instigator.
As a minister, I tried to be all of me.
I was open about my mental health.
I broke while I preached.
I cried if I was moved to do so.
If I was tired, I said so.
If I wanted to be anywhere else doing anything else, I said that too.
I was open about my mental health.
I broke while I preached.
I cried if I was moved to do so.
If I was tired, I said so.
If I wanted to be anywhere else doing anything else, I said that too.
Because I wanted others who’d been re-traumatized by ignorant church leaders to know that it was okay for them to be them. All of them.
And so I’m doing the same now.
Not for attention. (Don’t need it, don’t want it.)
But breaking with you.
So you know it’s okay to break too.
And so I’m doing the same now.
Not for attention. (Don’t need it, don’t want it.)
But breaking with you.
So you know it’s okay to break too.
