Read on Twitter
this is very specific but: au where childe is sent to hunt down martial god rex lapis who lives in jueyun karst and refuses to see devotees bc they all want to learn his techniques and hes given up fighting. so childe has to pretend hes courting him to get him out of his cave.
this is just me playing with a v famous myth lol but the idea is that childe just REALLY wants to fight him in general. and he bothers zhongli constantly bc he needs to get him out of the mountain so they can have a real fight with rex lapis at his full power
and zhongli is like ??? bc it's so very obvious the mortal is here for Shady Reasons and even the cryo archon has sent him a letter being like pls forgive my youngest hes overenthusiastic but childe seems to genuinely enjoy his company and laugh uproariously at his old man jokes
anyway childe doesn't know that zhongli = rex lapis here either he assumes zhongli is his adeptus friend and insists that he is NOT leaving without seeing rex lapis' face n that god better know hes here to marry him
to zhongli's face,
to zhongli's face,
eventually over many meetings zhongli starts telling childe more about rex lapis on his insistence bc he has to know more about his future husband u know!! and ends up getting oddly jealous of himself after childe gets enthusiastic abt his former martial exploits it's very funny
i should explain the courting: rex lapis explicitly mentioned in his contracts that he was Not to be bothered by anyone seeking guidance from him in the art of war or fighting or 9423842982 other things but there is no clause that says love bc like
who tf wants to marry a hermit
who tf wants to marry a hermit
also at some point
zhongli: please refrain from hunting animals on this mountain, rex lapis feels the beating heart of every living thing that exists under his feet at the centre of his power
childe: ok
childe that night: wait so if i jerk off does he hear THAT too
childe: eh idc
zhongli: please refrain from hunting animals on this mountain, rex lapis feels the beating heart of every living thing that exists under his feet at the centre of his power
childe: ok
childe that night: wait so if i jerk off does he hear THAT too
childe: eh idc
zhongli does not meet his eyes the next morning and childe doesn't get it. he had a great time fingerblasting himself and jerking off at the same time and rex lapis didn't appear to smite him???? maybe zhongli's just in a bad mood. he would be too if his boss was a tight ass
childe: i bet he's thinking about the other adepti :////
zhongli's brain on repeat for the last 12 hours: he can fit three.............. he can fit four........................... he can fit all five................................................................................
zhongli's brain on repeat for the last 12 hours: he can fit three.............. he can fit four........................... he can fit all five................................................................................
also like. listen to me. rex lapis has not touched himself for 6k years bc hes never had a need to and now hes just like . i want to be topped. but i also want to rail him. this is just sex comedy zhongli is the one making it angsty for no reason
adding to this: i like to think at one point the ground starts to touch childe back. amplify all his senses. childe is very ????? about it and then later on hes like (indignant) zhongli xiansheng rex lapis peeked at me while i was jerking off now he has to take responsibility
