I am almost too scared to talk about it, but that quote by Hazrat Ali (R.A), "Maine apne iraadon ke tootney se apne rabb ko pehchana hai," it runs circles in my head every time someone mentions it to me.

Because it is just so... vulnerable. And the way we have been taught religion, it should not be. But it is.

This is a man who was given the tidings of heaven in his lifetime. He was the first child to enter the fold of a new religious and political system. By his own free will.

He was related to a miracle several times over. He witnessed the rise and spread of Islam. If you are a believer, then he had all the proofs one needs to know that God does exist and is invested in humaity.

And yet, it were his failures that made God real for him.

Which indicates a very complex relationship with God and his religiosity. For there to have been clarity, there must have been doubt. For there to be recognition there must have been denial. Those failures would have hurt, would have angered him for him to examine his

relationship with a Creator whom he believed had control over his life even as he struggled.

And he came into contact with the "truth" as a child. Which means his entire life must have been a negotiation and a renegotiation with this truth.

And yet, there is no guilt associated with this admission. This is, in fact, a boast of faith.

The way we are taught of these personalities, we so often forget they were human too. They must have felt human emotions as well.

Love and loss and joy and sorrow and confusion and uncertainty. The whole spectrum. Despite having in front of them proof and constant reminders to have faith.

This man was a leader, a warrior, ready to sacrifice himself for this system, and yet his relationship with his God

was not being dictated by the hullabaloo around him. It remained personal. He was not "taught" to have faith, he learnt it when he failed. And it mustn't have been easy.

Which just says to me that it is okay. It is okay to sit in front of God and ask "why?".

Which is something we are never allowed. Because our imagination of authority keeps getting reflected in our imagination of God. And we cannot question it.

But if God is Loving and Kind and Graceful, surely he does not want your love out of a sense of obligation.

The thing with all our best relationships is that they allow us a space to express our emotions. Relationships that don't do that suffocate us. And if God says, He calls out for you a hundred times every time you call out for him once, means He WANTS a relationship with you.

Outside of the whole hullabaloo of a "system". He wants this relationship to be personal. And if He wants it to be personal, then He must want an honest one. With all the emotions. The doubts and anger and uncertainty and fear. And if he is All-Loving then that means He is

telling you that it is okay. That all of this has a place with Him. And maybe that is the faith he wants you to have. That He loves you. When you express all these terrifying things that you can't express elsewhere. And He has control even as you don't. And it's going to be okay.

I don't know where I am going with this train of thought. Rambling most likely. But maybe on days we don't have hope, we should keep faith.

And I, of course, don't mean faith just religiously. But faith in something beyond human control. The universe. The energy. Anything. Something. To believe it is going to get better.