I've tried to thread this up a few times today. I'm struggling with the words. I used to deal with my mental health issues publicly because my personal life was a wasteland of loneliness. Now, I think I'm as happy as I'll ever get. My life is great. I'm still in pain.

I think that's the part that hurts the most. There's no logical reason for me to hurt the way I do. To feel as down as I do as frequently as I do. And yet, that sadness is just...there. I used to think it was my fault. Now it almost feels like a companion. Is that bad?

I've devoured all the books that made sense for me to slow my brain down, to control the erratic emotional swings that come with being bipolar. I meditate in the mornings. I listen to folk music. It centers me. Then a trigger kicks in and I'm in an emotional spiral. What?

When we talk every year about mental health, about not being alone in the fight, firing off that tweet just isn't enough. In a world where we're more connected than ever, the emotional distance between us is greater than ever. Relationships, people, interactions are disposable.

I'm afraid of most interactions. I'm awkward, unsure of myself. It's why I think I'm most fun when I'm drinking. The barriers of entry to get to know me are gone. It's also why I don't do it often. I'm afraid of all of y'all. The only time I'm comfortable is 3AM when alone.

There isn't really a point here, I guess. It's been on my mind for a while and everyone is talking mental health today. I want to use my pain for good. We should be closer. We should care more about each other. Actually care, not "how r u lol" care. For realsies.

Anyway. More good, less bad. I like that idea. We should do that as a really big team. Like when they tried to get everyone to make a line across the country by holding hands. Selfishly, thank god hockey is back. It feels like the only thing I'm good at.

1luv, fam.