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One thing I learned when I was widowed at age 48: Complementarian and patriarchal teaching in the church is disempowering to women. I would have told you that I didn't believe it, I was a feminist after all, an ordained minister. But I realized when I was on my own....
And had to rebuild my life, that many things I been taught in church had not only not equipped me, they had disempowered me. I realized that I still was dependent on the nearest man's approval or permission. I became very aware that when I served in leadership,
when I was ordained, it was because a man finally allowed it. Even when I decided to go back to school, people would say, "Oh Phil (late husband) would approve." Women have been taught to always consider others, but never to consider themselves.
What a woman might want is disregarded - in fact, it is more spiritual to always deny what you want or need. So it was difficult for me to take needed steps to care for myself (make a living on my own) because I lacked autonomy and self-efficacy. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?
When the church constantly casts women in certain roles, says they can only have certain qualities, limits how they can use their gifts, and infantilizes them, teaching them they cannot make decisions and must always turn to a man, when they are disrespected, then guess what?
Women begin to doubt themselves. They struggle to even identify their own needs and desires. They struggle to speak up for themselves. And they may eventually struggle to care for themselves as a result. The most empowering thing I did was move, go back to school, get my MA and..
open my own business, carve my own way, have a say in my own future. I knew after my husband died that I could not leave my fate and ability to provide for myself in the hands of the the church anymore and so I became a therapist. All of this to say - when the church infantilizes
women, teaches constant selflessness, tells them they don't even have autonomy over their own bodies and lives, then they cannot be surprised when women are not empowered. Because they've taught things for years that are simply disempowering. I miss being in ministry.
But I don't at all miss the misogyny. And misogyny can become internalized, and we may not even realize it. Women deserve better. They deserve to hear& believe that they are co-heirs in Christ, and worthy all on their own - regardless of their relationship to a man or children.
Women are adults. Full stop. They should be respected as such.
