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For me, 2020 was: chemo, having covid, no work for 10 months, finding out my brain grew an angioma, & my cat & dog dying within a month of each other. my mind shutdown & my depression took the wheel. I rarely left my bed, I didn’t bathe, I wore the same clothes.(1) #BellLetsTalk 
Attempting to go anywhere lead to hysterical breakdowns. I often didn’t get further than my car. I would eventually give in, turn the engine off, and go back inside, and crawl back into bed. my safe place. I would cry about having to eat & letting my dogs out. (2) #BellLetsTalk
I avoided human interaction of every kind, often sending texts w smiley faces so the person would leave me alone. Ironically, I was also upset that I was so isolated & alone. I thought no one loved me & if they said they did, it was pity love. (3) #BellLetsTalk
The closest of friends bailed on me. They recognized Depression Docstache & got the hell out. I of course was angry. I spent a lot of time resenting them & ignoring the other peeps I didn’t know who were reaching out. (4) #BellLetsTalk
Ultimately, I thought “who can blame my friends? I’m a pathetic, gross poor excuse of a woman.” Everything was my fault. my dog’s CHF was somehow my fault. Not being able to save my cat was my fault. meanwhile my bills are piling up so high i could touch the moon(5) #BellLetsTalk
The times I attempted to post on social media I equated to what it must feel like to stab oneself. If a tweet didn’t get likes or any engagement, I took it as all my followers joining hands and singing “We hate you Docstache!” But again, who could blame them? (6) #BellLetsTalk
The Golden Girls were my comfort, but upon looking deeper, I realized it was because i watched it w my mama. This then spiraled into how I lost her to cancer 16 years ago. can open. worms everywhere. A very faint voice in my head said “u need help.” (7) #BellLetsTalk
I was already on wellbutrin & vyvanse for my adhd. Over the course of a month, I made five appointments w my dr. The first one: blew it off. 2nd got to my car then went back in. 3rd & 4th got as far as dr parking lot & then went home. 5th I finally went in. #BellLetsTalk
The day of 5th appt. I was ready 2 stay home again til a friend called the local crisis center & arranged for a stranger to take me. Being that i wanted to be alone, i panicked. my friend said “u either go urself or some1 is going to take u.” so i got in my car.(9) #BellLetsTalk
my friend called me when she knew i’d be heading there. She talked me all the way there, talked me to getting out & walking to the office, waited on phone while i checked in, and didn’t hang up til the nurse called my name. (10) #BellLetsTalk
I cried the moment the nurse called my name & smiled. She asked how I was, and niagra falls came out of my eyes. I also profusely apologized for not having bathed or worn clean clothes. She said she didn’t care at all. she just wanted to help me get better. (11) #BellLetsTalk
when the doctor came in, i didn’t describe symptoms, I just begged “Please help me. I can’t live like this anymore.” She sat w caring eyes & ears. She eventually doubled my depression med dose saying “let’s give u a fighting chance.”(12) #BellLetsTalk
So the next day i took my new dose, and it was a complete 180. I was shocked how well it worked. I wished it hadn’t taken 5 appts to get there. but depression doesn’t believe in drs does it? i took my shower, put on clean clothes, & started tackling life again(13) #BellLetsTalk
It wasn’t necessarily easy, but the medication kept me on track. I learned I wasn’t beyond help. I learned that people do care about me, and most importantly, I wasn’t hopeless. Depression is the biggest damn liar (14) #BellLetsTalk
So basically reach out. Even if it’s just the word “help.” Message me. I’ll be there. But whatever you do, DONT. GIVE. UP. there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. u may not see it yet, but it’s there. There is always someone who gives af. (15) #BellLetsTalk
If u made it thru this thread,thank u. Even now my depression is whispering “who the hell do u think u are? like anyone gives af about ur depression saga. just delete the whole thread.” but i won’t,even if it gets zero likes cuz I matter no matter what & so do u 
#BellLetsTalk
#BellLetsTalk
