The couple of times I’ve ever gotten just a TINY bit suspicious of my husband, I ended up feeling ridiculous. The latest example:

I was scrolling who he follows on TikTok and saw an account called High Impact Club. The profile photo was of a gorgeous woman, and the location was Phoenix, which is where we live. My hackles went up a tiny bit and I clicked into her profile.

...She’s a gentle parenting coach.

I follow her too now, of course, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE her account.

Marcela Collier on TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJEGHw22/ 

At some point I moved from just faving her videos, to keeping a note in my phone of all my favorite pieces of wisdom I’ve found there - easier to reference.

Some of them are small, practical tips (e.g. how to re-word something to a toddler to make it less likely to cause conflict) and some are full on truth bombs that made me cry a little.

Anyway I’m going to thread my notes here, where they might help other parents. I’m sure I’ll add more in the future. And, of course, I highly highly recommend that you follow the account if you’re on TikTok. Link again: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJEGHw22/ 

1a. Your child is not setting you off. It is your emotional memory, the way you felt as a child when similar things happened to you.

1b. The parts of parenting that you feel the hardest are probably linked to the parts of *your* childhood that you found the hardest.

2. “It’s okay to be upset. It’s *not* okay to hit mommy.”

3. Instead of “no” or “don’t”:

“Let’s try...” (“Let’s try lowering our voice” vs. “Don’t yell!”)

“First...then...” (“First we eat lunch, *then* we can play with our toys” vs. “NO; it’s lunchtime, it’s not playtime.”)

4. The number one lie parents tell themselves: “It’s just a phase.” When harmful behaviors are unchecked, children don’t grow out of them; the behavior evolves. Right now you might hear whining, later that same defiance will escalate.

5. Instead of saying what NOT to do, say what TO do. (“Don’t climb on that!” vs. “Feet on the floor, please.”)

6. Try saying “Freeze!” instead of “no” or “stop.”

7. If a child is having a hard time or is on the verge of a tantrum, ask them “How can I help you?” You can help with conflict resolution, but encourage THEM to come up with the solution.

8. (If they’re not listening) “If you can hear me...touch your nose!”

9a. Tantrums are not a phase. They can extend beyond toddlerhood and become more and more abusive. The only way to prevent extended tantrums is to know what causes them. Every behavior communicates a need.

9b. Little children don’t have the skills to communicate their needs appropriately- THAT’S why tantrums happen. Just because your child isn’t a toddler anymore doesn’t mean he understands his needs or knows how to communicate them.

10. Meet your child *where* they are and respect *who* they are.

11. Accountability: Saying “Did you pull all of my shoes off their rack?” sets them up to tell a little lie. Instead, remind them “Mommy’s shoes stay on the rack; help me put them back.” Hold them accountable for the behavior, and give an opportunity for them to fix it.

12a. The main roadblock most gentle parents face is trying to give their children what they didn’t experience growing up. It is like trying to pour an empty cup. The feelings that our children’s behaviors produce in us expose those wounded, empty spaces.

12b. For instance, it is very likely that if we were not allowed to express big emotions safely when we were children, when our children are expressing the same big emotions, we don’t have the ‘compassion cup’ filled to help them.

12c. If you feel you’re running in circles...you really want to raise your children from love and kindness, and you like the idea of gentle parenting, but you find yourself raising your voice or losing it with your kids, it is because you need to fill up those cups.

12d. That’s called re-parenting. It’s the act of giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. How does re-parenting look to you? What kind of mercy do you have to extend yourself?

()

13. Your children may not always remember the things that you tell them. But they will always remember how you made them feel.

14. You can feel anger without transferring it to your parenting responses.

15. Three things to say to a crying child instead of “stop crying” :

“I can see that you’re upset.”
“How can I help you?”
“It’s okay to cry.”

16. Make the conscious effort to say “yes” more than you say “no.” Often, it’s easy to change a “no” to a yes: “Yes, you can play after dinner.”

17. Every behavior is the communication of a need. You are your child’s ‘need detector.’

18. “My passion about what I do comes from seeing what compassion and unconditional love do to the broken hearts of the children who have come into my foster care and who think that their behaviors are who they are, and that love needs to be earned.”

19a. Society antagonizes children’s dependence. The message we get everywhere is “push independence on your children.” If he’s crying, “Oh no no no no, your attention is going to feed his tantrum.”

19b. If he wakes up crying for you, “Oh no no no no he’s not going to learn how to self-soothe.” If your child constantly follows you around, society tells you “oh no no no you’re creating a clingy child, you held him too much.”

19c. There is no such thing as too much connection with our children. Restricting connection doesn’t create independence. It creates separation anxiety.