Thread by @brokeymcpoverty, coincidentally, this is what therapy was about today! pain vs. suffering and [...]

coincidentally, this is what therapy was about today! pain vs. suffering and how to tell the difference. i still dont know! but i think im starting to get ready to begin understanding it https://twitter.com/brokeymcpoverty/status/1354809860081078279

https://twitter.com/brokeymcpoverty/status/1354809860081078279

so im almost about to be 40 and its not goin too well in tracyville. im not as jazzed as i feel like a well adjusted, emotionally mature woman who is proud of her journey should be. i missed last week's appt but the week before last, we talked abt this particular struggle

my therapist reminded me that i was suffering, and that suffering comes from resistance at the end of our session and the phrase/thought haunted me until our session today.

recently ive been down on myself for not being the person i want to be/feel like i should be by now, especially with all the therapy ive been blessed to have and the literal years of learning to rest and unlearning harmful stuff from my youth

still havent accomplished my number 1 dream of being a pubbed author w a book out. still havent taken advantage of wanting kids & working towards the best body of my life. still faltering on self care shit. still fighting to do the damn dishes (i hate dishes so much)

at some point i went from a 30 year old 'aging is WONDERFUL and not at all that bad!' to a 38 year old 'wow im one of those ppl i scoffed at when they felt less than ecstatic about getting older and pitied for missing their youth.' and all this in a pandemic & crumbling society.

so, ive been a little more up & down than usual and i, like most ppl, id imagine, am usually upset about something *some*where with no idea where the call is coming from. inside the house? outside? is it seasonal depression? is it aging? is it the continuing pantomime? what?!

somewhere along the line i decided that this is the perfect time to let go of the devil's lettuce and get rid of the one thing the occasionally give me the illusion of calmness and relaxation. i are smart, i do a diploma much good idea gud job me

so at any time of day, chances are im grieving something, which is not fun. after the last appointment i kept hearing my therapist say 'youre suffering, and suffering comes from resisting.'

then i racked my whole entire brain trying to figure out wtf is it im resisting?

i know things are bad when i cant sleep and ive had more sleepless nights in the last 2 weeks than ive had in the last month and i tell you friends, i am a demon from hell when i cant sleep. i just cant abide it. one night it got so bad i got outta bed and just cried lmao

and in between sniffles and snuffles, i did some journaling and tried to figure out wtf it was that i was resisting bc i swear i just could not figure it out. the changes im tryna make are good ones, right? no smoking, moving more, dropping grudges, less seamless blah blah

i couldnt figure it out and stayed up til 530 am. at least i got a reminder of how pretty a sunrise can make this open toilet of a city look.

anyway, today we met and i was like alright ms lady you gotta explain to me how i know when im suffering and what im resisting bc idgi.

and she said 'so it sounds like what youre looking for is for everything to be black and white. to be able to look at something and say 'ah! this is suffering bc of the pandemic!' 'oh! this is bc im getting older!'

and im like uuuuhhhhhh YES EXACTLY! that! how do it do that?!?

and the answer is that surprise! it isnt black & white bc nothing is (BOOOO.) and sometimes the situation is much more layered (DOUBLE BOOOOO)

so i gave this example: when im on my couch crocheting glove after glove after glove, & im so annoyed bc its not even fun anymore im just used to this being how i get thru the day, and when i *want* to fold the pile of clothes on my desk so i can work & write & im down on myself+

bc i still just cant seem to break this endless loop bc ive been in it literally for 2 years, and im not resting bc even tho im on my couch my brain is cussing me out bc im on the couch instead of folding clothes... what am i resisting there?

like im never gonna like working out. im never gonna WANT to work out. but i know i need to do it bc this sedentary quarantine lifestyle is literally killing us, but i know that ill be happier and healthier if i do it, so i want to be able to do it. im not resisting anything!

so then she said 'well it sounds like youre equating anything that is painful and uncomfortable with suffering. but not everything is suffering. it sounds like youre just in pain?'

and i was like wow. MORE things i dont know the difference between. excellent. great and wonderful

i took notes on the things she told me next:

-suffering comes from resisting your *feelings* not from resisting actions. so me not working out bc i dont freaking want to isnt suffering bc im resisting the action. so thats pain/discomfort, not suffering

-me being on the couch cussing myself out bc i "should" be folding clothes or i "should" be doing any number of other things is suffering bc im resisting the way i *actually* feel. focusing on what i "should" do or want to do is ignoring and invalidating the underlying feeling

so the feeling im resisting there (i think?) is 'everything feels like too much to be able to be productive right now.' or actually maybe its 'im scared to get off this couch bc its been a seat of comfort and im scared i'll burst into anxious flames if i get off of it'

and *that* is me suffering, not because i am on the couch, but because i am resisting and not accepting the feeling that being on the couch gives me? or the feeling that not wanting to be on the couch gives me? im still figuring it out tbh

but it started to make more sense and then im like okay so...how do i not resist what im feeling? she says accept it. im like cool. ...how do i do that bc i thought i was doing that? i feel like shit! i accept that! lol i thought that was enough!

and she said that accepting the feeling there would look like just naming how i feel. saying 'this is causing me pain right now,' and forget about getting up or not getting up. dont think about an action. just name the feeling. 'being on this couch is very hard for me.'

another problem i have is looking for *why* i feel the way that i feel, which is not necessary to accept the way you feel. just name it.

i ask if naming my feeling is enough to complete the act of accepting it, and annoyingly the answer was 'sometimes. its also a layered thing.'

im like lord jesus please no more layers. i know everything cant be black and white but just one thing? please? please?! still waiting to hear back from god on that one but im assuming the answer will be 'lol nah'

then she gave me an example:

'like right now, just say 'im feeling confused' and leave it at that. dont worry about why or what to do about it. just name and accept that youre confused.'

so thats my homework. honestly im frustrated bc after idk how many years i feel like i should have at least gotten this part down by now, but this stuff is hard. it requires unlearning and retraining and also a lot is going on and blah blah

but my homework is to name and accept.

and right now how im feeling is tired of social media. motherfuckers is on instagram taking trips & posting 'unbothered' pictures on the beach. motherfuckers on here are being beautiful & young at a time when im not feeling either (even tho my logical brain knows im still both)

like im actually gonna take twitter off my phone which is terrifying bc most of my career has been twitter based but my brain is sooo tired. am i gonna still lurk on the web? absolutely. am i gonna mess up and tweet sometimes? prolly

but hopefully ill be better at not suffering when i get back. or something. idk lmao

see yall later! cash ap & venmo are pinned. amazon wishlist comprised mostly of fancy candles is in bio.

lets all feel better :) love yall

(also my dms are still open and accepting important animal vids okay bye)

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