I’d like to propose new legislation. It’s called the “How dafuq was I supposed to know it was gonna be like this?” Act of 2021.

#HDFWISTKIWGBET2021 Bill allows parents to return kids btw 4.5 yrs to 6.5 yrs. We’ll build a big ball pit and just leave them there with French fries.

My daughter is almost 5 and I think she’s about to reach her final form. Of Monster. It’s like she knows I’m breaking the cycle of abuse so she’s like “Watcha gon do bitch? Imma yell for an hour in the middle of the night and you gon take it or risk scarring me psychologically.”

And before y’all start offering advice, I ain’t asking. I have pediatricians, therapists, etc on the job. I have experts confirming I’m responding in the appropriate way so keep your commentary. This is simply some legislation that I think would better the country.

My daughter had taken to 3+ tantrums a night when she should be sleep.

You may say “Elon, maybe stop trying to control the child. Maybe she’s outgrown that bedtime.”

Well, imaginary person making this asinine argument, SHE DOESNT HAVE A FUCKING BEDTIME. WE GAVE UP.

My theory: She hates going to bed. So here’s a deal. You don’t have to go to bed. Stay up as long as you want. Read, play. Just be quiet & don’t come out of your room. Mommy & Daddy are gonna have quiet time so we won’t be talking.”

“Ok daddy.”

“What did I say?”

“NO TALKING.”

*3 seconds later*

“Daddy! I have to tell you something.”

I shake my head, no talking. It’s quiet time.”

*Louder* “BUT DADDY I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.”

I shake my head again, start to walk away.”

“DADDY! DADDY! ANSWER ME! DADDY YOU HAVE TO ANSWER ME.”

For an hour.

Now you may say “Well just answer the child.”

OH BUT I DID.

I assumed a meltdown of this magnitude meant that she really had a serious issue.

“What is is child?”

“Um...um...Because...I’m...I like Robin more than Batman.”

“Ok. Nite nite.”

“DADDY! DADDY!” *TEARS*

I’m sorry for the vent fest. I’m heated. See, my wife gets my daughter up & feeds her before school. She’ll make oatmeal for my son so it’s cool when I get him up. He screams if he has to wait for it to be blown on.

I bring lil man down, look at the bowl and dat shit is empty.

My 1st thought is that my wife just forgot to make the oatmeal and this is the dirty bowl of my daughter. I’m not even mad about it. I just need to know if I’m making oatmeal. My wife is all “but I made it.” “Well it ain’t here dear.”

We look at the empty bowl, then each other.

This m’fucka ate her whole breakfast (a thick ass bagel) and then saw the oatmeal that my wife made for her little brother. When my wife walked away she proceeded to down it. My wife asked what’s taking so long and she said nothing.

BECAUSE HER MOUTH WAS TOO FULL OF OATMEAL.