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So Elliot Page is getting divorced. That's tough. Divorce can be a traumatic thing for all parties involved to go through. But I want to talk about transitioning and relationships. First big point? You can't have two decision-makers regarding a person's transition.
I've seen it. I've also lived it. The transitioning partner goes beyond keeping their spouse/SO informed about where their head is about transition/what they are doing and gives their spouse/SO a voting share in their own transition. This is an understandable but colossal mistake
Even if your spouse/SO is supportive/acting in good faith, their involvement in decisions about your transition is a recipe for bitter resentment down the road - For both parties. If the spouse/SO isn't supportive/acts in bad faith? The risks for the transitioning partner EXPLODE
My advice, given in the strongest possible terms, is that a transitioning partner should be transparent and keep their spouse/SO fully informed. However, the spouse/SO should have ZERO decision-making power in decisions about names, pronouns, gender expression, HRT, or surgery.
You need to let your spouse/SO know where you are going. They don't get to have a hand on the wheel. Why is this crucial? 1. If you are honest about what you want and need, you will BOTH know sooner if the relationship will survive your transition.
If it ends at an early point in your transition, at least you have a better chance of parting on good terms. I get why this is hard. This shit is terrifying! But, if you have found the will to transition, you also have the will to be honest, even at the cost of a relationship.
2. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ARE GOING TO TURN OUT. Hmm, let's look at Mona's history. I've went through the following stages in the last decade:
-I = cis guy
-I = bi trans woman on HRT, but I don't need surgery
-Oh I'm also polyam
-I might be non-binary
-Shit I need surgery
-I might be on the ace spectrum
-Now I'm a bisexual transfem enby who sometimes presents in boy mode including a binder & a packer.
That's A LOT!
-I = bi trans woman on HRT, but I don't need surgery
-Oh I'm also polyam
-I might be non-binary
-Shit I need surgery
-I might be on the ace spectrum
-Now I'm a bisexual transfem enby who sometimes presents in boy mode including a binder & a packer.
That's A LOT!
...and that's a LOT of change for your spouse/SO to go through alongside you. It's not a failure of character if that's too much for them, or if you've evolved too far away from who you were when y'all met. It happens. Like Wilco sang once, "I fear we can only wave goodbye."
3. The end may not be the end.
So, yeah, this situation can be unbelievably harsh and difficult. But if you delay or alter your transition to please your spouse/SO, when it breaks between you, it will break violently and probably permanently.
So, yeah, this situation can be unbelievably harsh and difficult. But if you delay or alter your transition to please your spouse/SO, when it breaks between you, it will break violently and probably permanently.
If you are honest & transparent, and you pursue transition on your terms and ONLY your terms, you might break up. But, you're more likely to stay in each other's lives and be on good terms. You might even reconnect later? I've done that - gotten back with an ex - more than once.
I'll wrap this up by saying that a transition can only have one manager. Remember when Michael and Jim were co-managers on The Office? How'd that work out? If you are transitioning, you are proving you can do hard things. You can also move on from a relationship if you need to.
