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thinking about how many times harrowhark consciously and unconsciously chooses gideon over everything else. over her chance at avenging those 200 kids, over the tomb, over god and how when she finds out god lied to them about the cavaliers it’s going to snap her in half.
1. meets god for the first time who for her entire life seemed like the only hope of paying the debt back to those children and the reason they had to die in the first place... and the first thing she asks his person who is meant to be her salvation is for gideon back.
2. Despite recognizing that Ianthe is beautiful and despite the power that Ianthe offers her she again chooses Gideon over her own life and over the life with ianthe that she’s being offered & she doesn’t even KNOW about gideon consciously (though clearly part of her still does)
3. harrow is not stupid she knows ianthe is right... that going on with the lobotomy means she will be a worse lyctor and let down god and let down those 200 children by extension but it’s gideon so she goes through with it
4. theoretically gives up her body to gideon
she is going to pulverize god because the reason she suffered her whole life stemmed out of him demanding unneeded sacrifice. no one she loved would be dead and if they hadn’t been so afraid of god and probably would have been better people.
