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2020 was such a tough year for us. It started with a pandemic (we got this we thought), then a close friend died (I still miss her everyday), and then we got the dreaded virus. I’ve never been so sick in my life and it took 6 months to recover.
However, what isn’t talked about much is how being that sick for so long also affects your personality. In my support groups many speak of low tolerance, no patience, and easy to anger. This was true for both my 7yo son and I.
My 7yo was diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten two years ago. Based on my reading to learn about adhd and how to help him be the best him I learned that trauma can trigger it (according to some leading doctors).
For him the trauma was a lock down drill practice in his kindergarten classroom. My son is incredibly bright and he was already aware that there was a nearby school incident where people died just the previous May.
However for some reason after that lock down drill he was under the impression they were hiding from adults who wanted to steal kids and he was afraid he would never see me again.
So yes, that’s fun for a 5yo to try to process.
Kindergarten was a hard year because he truly didn’t know how to deal with all of the emotions. His teacher was a bully giving him behavior marks up the wazoo for his ADHD tendencies and they threatened to kick him out of school because of the marks.
Never mind he is a brilliant kid (I’m his mama I can say that) and he was doing school primarily in a language that wasn’t his native one and he only had a little exposure to previously.
I continued to read and educate myself so I could be a fierce advocate for him. We got him a 504 plan with accommodations, I lobbied to have the way behavior charts are used changed, and I came across a book that forever changed our lives.
The book was The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene which teaches you how to use the Collaborative Problem Solving method. #cps #rossgreene #explosivechild https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
Dr Greene’s work shows that kids do well if they can. Challenging kids are kids whose behavior can’t meet expectations because of lagging skills.
Self-regulation doesn’t come easy for all children. If a child has poorly adapted behaviors it can be tied to
-cognitive flexibility
-adaptability
-frustration tolerance
-problem solving
-cognitive flexibility
-adaptability
-frustration tolerance
-problem solving
Many parents parent via Plan A - solve the problem unilaterally which doesn’t teach any skills and causes more maladaptive behavior
These kids though ... need to be taught and they are taught through learning together doing Plan B - Problem Solvr proactively and collaboratively with 3 steps
- empathy with problem identification
- problem definition with concern sharing
- invitation to identify solutions
- empathy with problem identification
- problem definition with concern sharing
- invitation to identify solutions
There is always Plan C where sometimes, especially at the beginning, you just have to put the problem aside. And that’s okay. There’s a lot to dea with and it takes baby steps.
We’ve been on this journey for 2 years now (since I discovered the book) and I can affirm it really does work and makes a world of difference. My son has had a long journey coupled with a long covid recovery that has hindered us.
Don’t get me wrong, he also does medicines, therapy, etc. #CPS from #rossgreene is another tool that for us has been vital.
Why are challenging kids challenging?
Because of lagging skills.
Because of lagging skills.
When are challenging kids challenging?
When expectations outstrip skills.
When expectations outstrip skills.
Want to learn more? Check out the Lives in the Balance website or read one of his books.
https://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork
#livesinthebalance #cps #rossgreene
https://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork
#livesinthebalance #cps #rossgreene
So ... back to 2020. Like I mentioned we each had a lack of patience, we’re easy to anger, and my son started having meltdowns again that would last for sometimes 2 and a half hours.
Let’s just say it’s not fun to deal with a child in an intense meltdown when you’ve just had surgery.
In 2020 my son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder - ODD on top of us both recovering from covid.
So yes more reading, more learning and educating myself and I took a day off from work to attend (virtually) a #livesinthebalance workshop which helped reinforce what I had forgotten while sick. Kids do well if they can.
We made some changes (again) to how I parent, my health at that time also finally got better, and my 7yo son asked for a doll because he wanted to learn how to put chains (aka braids) in its hair.
My son as a toddler never really took to a stuffed animal. I had gotten him some dolls when he was 2 and he played with them for a few months. But this ... this time it was and is different.
He loves his doll. He named her Rebecca and chose one that came with a puppy dog. He is her Daddy and he takes good care of her. We made a bed next to him in a laundry basket.
Yes, we did give her a blanket so she wasn’t cold.
And then he asked for a doll skirt. So we figured out how to make those and then made some for his cousin and his girl friends. #Ogdoll #targetOG #ourgenerationdoll
Has he figured out how to make the chains in her hair? Not quite. He is working on his dexterity for that.
Why is my 7yo son in love with his doll? The therapist says he is learning to take care of himself. And I have to say it’s a wonderful thing.
In August we evacuated to Dallas due to a hurricane ... our first trip during the pandemic. We stayed with a cousin of mine and her family. The dad is a stay at home dad. My son’s role model in how to be a good daddy as he saw the interaction with the kids.
My son started playing dolls with his 8yo female cousin on FaceTime ... they’ve gone through phases since the pandemic started where they play for awhile and then stop for months and start the cycle again.
It’s been non-stop since winter break ... they love playing dolls together. She even told me she worries in a year that he won’t like dolls anymore. My response - that could happen but we don’t know. Just enjoy each day with him.
For Christmas he adopted the American Girl doll, Joss, who has a hearing aid. He promptly renamed her to Clarice. He also received bunk beds for his two girls so Grandma could have her laundry basket back. #Ogdoll #targetOG #ourgenerationdoll #agdoll #ag #americangirl #agjoss
Yes, I’m Grandma. He gets a kick out of that. I failed to mention his first day of having Rebecca and trying to do online school was hard for him. He didn’t know how to care for a doll and do school.
I mentioned the solution of finding a good daycare or babysitter and that’s how Grandma ended up with a doll in her lap while working from home during a pandemic. Never fear though because he wrote me instructions.
It’s incredible how a boy with emotional learning deficits, ADHD, and ODD is incredibly calmed by caring for these two dolls. His behavior has improved dramatically, he is improving his lagging skills, developing empathy, and learning how to be more creative.
My 7yo son likes to make what he doesn’t have. Here the girls are enjoying a campfire and roasting marshmallows. #Ogdoll #targetOG #ourgenerationdoll #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
The girls dressed up for New Years
My son was given a #bigjoe bean bag chair which had an issue so the company sent a new one (awesome customer service btw) in a box you can turn into a castle! Well, he added a swing for Clarice. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
Clarice (better known as Joss in the American Girl world) is a surfer. So what did he make her? That’s right. Her very own surf board. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
Lately he spends a lot of time watching #americangirl videos on YouTube either from the American Girl brand or girls who post content. I’ve spent too much time on the website myself trying to learn more as well.
He is so incredibly happy & I’m so happy he is happy b/c going back to 2020 ... it downright was miserable and we had been sick for so long. He still has a few remaining issues but we both look forward to visiting the Houston #americangirl store when it’s safe for him to do so.
Ironically a year ago New Years we were in Chicago visiting friends and they took us to the #americangirl store and I had never even heard of them before and was utterly confused why this would be a thing. I didn’t play with dolls much as a kid myself.
Fast forward to last night (brace yourself) but I ordered Luciana (the 2018 doll of the year from AG) for .... ME. I mean. She is an astronaut.
Luciana is going to magically arrive on Valentines Day as a surprise. I promise I’ll act surprised. But I realized that this is a moment not to be missed. My son and I can further play and he can develop lagging skills through us playing together with the dolls.
And who knows. Maybe I’ll develop some new skills as well. I’ve definitely grown considerably since having him that’s for sure.
Now if only I could find her a spacesuit outfit .... that’s what happens when one comes 3 years late to the party. :-)
My 7yo son had to transition to a new online school routine a little over 2 wks ago - new school & teachers ... it’s hard 4 him w/ the challenges I mentioned before. But making a bow & arrow out of simple materials helped him. Clarice approves. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
His 8yo cousin taught him how to hand sew a shirt for Clarice via FT. I helped with the elastic and button. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
The library provided take home crafts when we picked up a new set of English and Spanish books recently. He decorated a crown for Clarice. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss
He asks why companies like @target and @American_Girl don’t make matching outfits for boys and their girl dolls. I think it’s a very good question. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #ogdoll #ourgeneration #targetog #ourgenerationdoll
Yesterday he made Clarice a surf sister bracelet. Because. Of course. #ag #americangirl #agdoll #agjoss now he plans to make his friends and cousin matching bracelets for th and their dolls as Valentines Gifts.
He is already talking about getting Clarice’s hair and nails done when it’s safe for us to go to the #ag store in Houston. And an #ag birthday party bc you can pick up the treats for an at home party. Rebecca, Clarice, & Luciana would love to celebrate his 8th bday in May w/ him.
Incredible. Simply incredible. How dolls can help an ADHD, ODD child develop lagging skills and self-calm. So a huge thank you to @American_Girl and @target for offering their doll lines and to his cousin for playing with him on FT.
I’m curious what the market would be like for boys to adopt dolls (clothes and accessories) if we told more of our stories and how it helps our boys to develop the skills they need to be good human beings and amazing fathers. @Target @American_Girl
I don’t know where our journey will lead us. But I promise I’ll keep learning and growing along with my brilliant son and we will keep sharing our adventures. Thanks for taking the time to read along with me tonight.
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