I’ve been thinking about Twitter… like a lot. Too much...

During the day, often when I should be thinking about other REAL things I’ve found myself thinking about this strange bird site that I seem to have tied much of my life too! 1/

Just now whilst trying to drop off to sleep those thoughts have been whirring away and so I thought I’d put them down. They are not ‘bad thoughts’ but they are heavy. So my husband is in bed I am sat on the sofa because I just wanna type it out! 2/

Before I go any deeper, if your idea of a prolific-Tweeter-‘Very Online’-persona writing about their own experiences on a social media platform sounds like some kind of self-reflective narcissism hell, then don’t read any further! /3

Also I am fully aware that there is a HUGE irony to critiquing my own relationship with a social media platform ON a social media platform!

But particularly since lockdown, whether it’s healthy or not, Twitter has become a bit of a ‘dear diary’ situation... /4

So... when I first really started using Twitter, it was definitely a tool. It was exciting and rewarding to get seen by others, to get followed, each time would be a little dose of dopamine. But still a tool. /5

Back then mostly I just shared inoffensive impersonal museum stuff; very much with the goal of being seen as a ‘REAL MUSEUM PERSON ™’, so that museums would see I was legit and real and not a fraud. I wanted to be A PROFESSIONAL WHAT IS TOTES PROFESH! /6

Things changed when I started to also step a little beyond the 'party line' of where I worked, 'transgressing' by expressing political and personal opinions. Being more ‘me’ was freeing but it was also draining... and scary as hell! /7

Now, I find myself with 20K followers (shut up, I know!) and no false modesty here, I am bemused by it all! Whilst it flatters me, it also scares THE CRAP out of me!

People I don't know, talk about my arms, or my love of mermaids, or my videogame preferences /8

I am under no delusion as to my *CRINGE* celebrity; Yes it is paltry, but to be even slightly known, evn in a weird niche of the internet, is truly bizarre! It never feels normal for a lot of people to think and feel they know you. /9

And yes I court it! Of course I do, I like being liked. I will happily admit that I love the attention as much as I cringe from it. But can we take a minute to acknowledge how strange it feels to have a stranger message a childhood friend 'Oh wow, you know the mermaid dude?!' /10

Also the nature of what I share has definitely changed, it’s far less focused now, and far more… well personal? (some would argue purely self-indulgent! I see you!) I won’t say the quality of content is worse but it’s not better either!! /11

But know this. There is a change that comes over your profile when you hit a certain number of followers (Oh yes she thinks she's a Kardashian now...) but when you have an audience, it kind of makes you the ‘performer’. So... you, well, perform! /12

Also let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: People started to be much 'nicer' and 'receptive' to me when I took my top off... so that was very uncomfortable to type, but it's true. /13

I don't regret what I post here one bit, but facts is facts. Show flesh, be seen as attractive to some and then more people listen to your message. It was NEVER intentional, I'm just not that Machiavellian. But I am awake to it, and it makes me feel... less than good. /14

So those out there saying there is an obsession with attractiveness and particular socially accepted body types and faces get more air time... they are not lying. They are 100% correct. I know because I'm part of the problem. /15

Still love it or hate it, my career and life has become twinned with this strange website which I both love and loath and I don’t quite remember the exact point when that happened! When did Twitter stop just being the tool... when did it become The Matrix! /16

So this isn’t a value judgment, I’m pretty wise to the dark side of social media, I watch my own behaviours online and I’m fully aware of the risks I take giving away so much, seeking sooo much validation. But, and it’s a big BUT, it doesn’t half eat at you sometimes. /17

Twitter isn’t forever, and a part of me looks forward to stepping away from it at some point. But for now having a platform, big or small, influences you, and at times in a way that you don’t like. /18

Note: Please don't DM me asking me if I'm ok or if I'm having a breakdown. I'm actually doing great, but I am trying to be a bit more reflective. Will the flexing stop, nope, but at least now you know I'm as judgemental of it as you are! /19

TLDR: Social media, what a head fuck!