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That tiktok of Claudia assuring us about what is normal in her family is familiar to anyone who has worked in protective services. I have listened to the vilest stuff only to be assured that it was taken out of context or a bad moment or any number of excuses.
The thing about these recordings is that you don't make them unless you have experienced it frequently enough that you think to document it.
And even after you've documented it, the further away from that moment you get the more your brain works to normalize the incident.
And even after you've documented it, the further away from that moment you get the more your brain works to normalize the incident.
Whatever heightened emotions lead to you documenting the event and then showing it to somebody, you can't live there. It's too hard and takes a lot of energy, so you start distancing yourself from it.
You want normal.
You want normal.
So abused women, abused children .. they recant. They tell you it wasn't that bad, they take responsibility for making it worse by documenting it and telling you and will assure you that it isn't always like that.
And it isn't. A lot of the time, even most of the time, it's fine
And it isn't. A lot of the time, even most of the time, it's fine
But not really. Because if it gets that bad then you're always waiting for that shoe to drop, for that moment to happen again and because it's based on somebody else's emotional state it's unpredictable.
Living in that environment, even when it is good, is exhausing.
Living in that environment, even when it is good, is exhausing.
And the solutions aren't much better than the problem. Because I've taken children away and then they're living with strangers and their own behaviour isn't great because they keep doing all the things they had been doing to survive
but now they're in a different environment and their behaviour makes no sense to the people who take care of them so placements break down, relationships break down, and guess what. They still have that angry unpredictable parent. They visit them.
And the visits are mostly fine
And the visits are mostly fine
Except you're still waiting for the shoe to drop because it will, you did this, you broke up the family and you know this in your heart even if everyone assures you it wasn't your fault. So the anxiety leading up to visits is brutal and the come down afterwards is brutal.
So we've removed the child, but the harm persists because the solution isn't much better than the problem.
Idk what to say except that we need a better world. This nuclear family thing is not working. The nuclear family puts kids at risk and limits our options for response.
Idk what to say except that we need a better world. This nuclear family thing is not working. The nuclear family puts kids at risk and limits our options for response.
I think about the way our Anishnaabe families worked, the collective child rearing, the shared and layered responsibilities that mitigated harms because nothing was centered on only one or two people. And we're not going to get that back tomorrow. But we need to try.
