Read on Twitter
Today I turn 37. Here are 37 reasons you should follow this account.
1. Beards!
Expert use of gifs — seemingly out of nowhere.
3. Help me monetize the vague and arbitrary notion of “clout” to exploit large raw numbers of disconnected strangers seeking the comfort of familiarity in a cold, disconnected post modern society while eking out a living as a full time writer.
4. Optimism!
5. You want alcohol? I’ve got that.
6. If I sell more books, I can write more books, generating a perpetual cycle of intensive clout farming so that I can buy the wine gums I need to survive. https://gooselane.com/products/too-dumb-for-democracy
7. I’m going to take a lunch break. I’ll be back.
8. Judicious use of the em dash—as well as pop culture references, swearing, and the Oxford comma (about which I give a fuck).
9. You can retweet me when you agree with me and then block me when you don’t!
10. Classic YouTube deep dives, such as a supercut of Letterman asking if those are your drums.
11. All the charm of a young Gordon Pinsent with none of the talent. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0242227/
13. Good at counting.
15. Thinks gravlax is what you take to ward off an upset stomach when traveling.
16. I share this birthday with @DrVivianS and Wayne Gretzky.
17. I’m *just* non-threatening enough to be welcomed by mainstream news outlets while allowing for seemingly edgy takes that are hip with the kids.
18. I’ll do your podcast for free.
19. I’ve seen every movie starring...
20. If I’m a little drunk and on tilt even slightly, I’ll go all-in on 2-7 offsuit every time.
21. I never, ever give up and I see each commitment I make through to the end.
