Read on Twitter
Today would have been my little brother 35th Birthday. It’s a day that is almost always reserved for family, for laughter, for sharing memories of him, and I don’t wanna be publicly too pitiful, but it’s added a whole new dimension to the lockdown and self isolation
So...
So...
I have decided that tonight, despite the no taste or smell, despite the temp and despite the rundown feeling I’m going to have one whisky and raise it up high to him.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about it. It’s a few months away from 10yrs since we lost him (heart attack at 25, for those who wanna know, and have made it to tweet 3). However, there’s more to it than that
My brother contracted Meningitis at 6wks old. Had several strokes and wasn’t considered likely to last the night, he did, but was left severely disabled, physically and mentally, paralysed down his left, unable to talk and epileptic.
I’d kinda always accepted that I would probably outlive my brother, 45-50 was the best estimation of his life, but 25 was a bit fucking much. I’ve spent 10 years feeling cheated out of 20,and I think I’ve ruined relationships and probably become a bit numb internally as a result.
But I can’t do it anymore, so today that changes. When o lift that whisky, it’s not going to be to Lament 20 years that I lost, but to celebrate the 25years that I got. If he hadn’t survived that night, I’d never have know him, he wouldn’t have helped shape me and my life
I probably wouldn’t have had the drive to do so many things that I’ve done. Because i was trying to live fully, for both of us.
I don’t think I handled that “burdon” well. I seemed to always think I had to have more,
I don’t think I handled that “burdon” well. I seemed to always think I had to have more,
and over the last few years I’ve realised I don’t. I don’t need to be the best in the room, the most experienced, the life of it all, I just need to be me, he would have accepted that, he would have probably encouraged it
This last 4 days, stuck in the house by myself only looking at a wall or out a window this has been playing on my mind, worrying me about today, knowing that I’m not able to fulfil my life for both of us, and it’s hurting me. So I now know it’s unhealthy
That I need to look at it from another perspective. That’s why I’m going to celebrate his life, not mourn his death.
Not be pissed about his early departure, but be happy I got to be included in the journey
Not be pissed about his early departure, but be happy I got to be included in the journey
Im not putting this on here for a load of “take care of yourself” or “sorry for your loss” reply’s. I know you all are thinking of me, and possibly him, I’m putting this on here to hold myself accountable. To make sure I keep a promise to myself. It’s public now, so I’ve got to!
I love You Craig. I’ll see you again someday, just not for a while.
