My first stripper experience - I’ll paint the scene, i’m 17 years old and i’m in my first week of phase 2 training in Bordon. I meet my roommates (4 to a room) and they tell me there’s a strippers night on at Q club tomorrow night, IDEAL! I’m 17 and get an erection over

the Littlewoods underwear section so sign me up! 24 hours later and it’s time to rock, to Q club we go. Smelling of Versace blue jeans and necking blue WKD all evening we arrive at Q club. A working men’s pub upstairs and basically just full of squaddies and a few horny locals!!

The footy is on and it’s as rowdy as you’d expect, couple of hundred horny blokes power drinking through the footy ready for the strippers! 10 o clock comes, GAME ON!!! The lights get turned up brighter, tunes on and here they come. We’ve paid £2 to get in so was expecting

women who looked like Sam Allardyce but they were all bang on. Few dances and they’re walking round with tip jars and everything is going well. Boobs and beer (WKD) fantastic times! Then it gets interesting, squirty cream and sprinkles on their arse getting eaten out by the lads.

My roommate is eating sprinkles out this strippers arse and he’s thumbs upping to me as he’s doing it, fair play. £2 for all this, absolute bargain! Anyway, nearing the end and everybody starts to get excited, “watch this watch this” said to me numerous times! Getting a willy on!

Stripper comes marching down the stage with a bottle of champagne, sexy dance and all that and yep, you guessed it, straight up her axe wound! Fizzing the life out of herself and just explodes all over the stage and whoever’s sat closest to her! WHAT A NIGHT.... wait there....

She grabs another bottle, where’s this going?? Straight up her shit pipe, wallop, incredible technique! She’s fizzing away again having more fun than most of us tbf to her, pulls out for the finale of all finales and proceeds to spray champagne shit all over the gaff!!!!

Crowd is going wild, like a last minute equaliser, pure pandemonium! There’s lads covered in champagne shite, there’s actual bits of shit on the stage. My roommate has got a bit of shit on his shirt that he’s showing off like an afghan medal! Never seen anything like it!

The stage is cleaned like nothing out of the ordinary has happened, the stripper strolls round with a towel round her, tip jar full to the brim and rightly so! Welcome to adulthood.