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let's talk about pronouns and gendered language in classroom settings: a thread by a trans/nonbinary person
there's a lot more to including trans and nonbinary people in your dialogue than simply having students say their pronouns. it's a great start, but please be mindful of what language you use. and make sure you do say something. silence is loud.
first, it is very alienating to be the only person on a call with their pronouns either in my display name or to be the only one to say them in my introduction. cis allies, put them in your display names on zoom. say them in your introduction. make us not feel alone.
professors/teachers, put them on your syllabus. trans and nonbinary teachers exist. we don't know what to refer to you as any more than you do us. even if you think it's 'obvious', please. it's a small motion of solidarity you can easily do.
second, avoid the words 'preferred/preference', 'chose/chosen', 'identity/identify' (sometimes correct but sometimes not!), and 'use pronouns'. let's talk about why.
'preferred/preference' is usually used in reference to 'preferred pronouns or name' which is very invalidating because it makes it sound like someone's pronouns are ideal or optional. it is either correct or incorrect. i PREFER coffee over tea. my pronouns ARE she/they.
'chose/chosen' is disliked by many trans people for the same reason, but those words open up a conversation about choice when it comes to gender that is very much on-going, so you can just avoid these words.
since you don't ask a cis person what their 'given' name is, you don't have to ask a trans person what their 'chosen' name is. just ask their name!
(also. don't ever ask for their birth name. every trans person has a different relationship with it, but it's generally not your business to know.)
'identity/identify' are a little tried to explain without diving into gender theory, but often times when they're being used by cis people, it's in a way that invalidates trans people. i would not say 'i identify as nonbinary' but i would simply say 'i am nonbinary'.
'use pronouns' is a phrase that kind of goes with everything else i've said. i don't say "i use she/they pronouns" but rather, "my pronouns are she/they". further, the thing about pronouns in language, is that typically you aren't using them for yourself. you use them
when you talk about others. when i talk about my dad, for example, i use he/him pronouns. my dad's pronouns are he/him. but since i'm talking about him, i'm using his pronouns.
next, let's talk about which pronouns to share.
i think most people generally have an understanding that it's incorrect to say "i use the normal ones" or "the boy ones" or "the female ones" or anything along those lines. so which ones do you share?
i've had conversations with many trans friends and we agree that unless you have more than two sets of pronouns, two is a great number! we don't use one ("my pronoun is he") because words singularly sound so similar.
with an accent or a lag on zoom or just normal miscommunication, 'he' and 'she' sound very similar. so by saying 'she/her' or 'he/him', there's another chance to hear the correct pronoun.
my pronouns are 'she/they', but i could also introduce myself as having 'she/her' and 'they/them' pronouns. if i'm in a space where i feel like there's less of an understanding as to what 'she/they' means, i will probably say 'she/her and they/them'.
it's very common in the professional world to see… sets of three. and that feels performative to me because i've never seen a trans person (who doesn't have more than two pronouns) have a set of three or ask for a set of three. i wouldn't even know how to write three.
would i put 'she/they/them' or 'she/her/they' or any combination?
that said, i have friends who do have more than two sets, like 'he/xe/them' or something along those lines. but if you have 'she/her' pronouns, that's all you have to say. no need for 'she/her/hers'!
"two or more sets of pronouns? which ones do i say?" excellent question! you can say any of the ones listed, although i would recommend trying to switch it up sometimes. speaking on my own experience, my pronouns are she/they, and i present more femininely.
most people use 'she/her' on me without thinking. this is fine, but it does make me uncomfortable if i feel like someone is doing it because they see me as a woman, not as a nonbinary person with she/they pronouns.
when people use both in a sentence like "oh, that's quinn, she's in my theatre class and they're really cool!", my brain just explodes i love that.
finally, going off a point i made earlier, there are no such things as 'nonbinary pronouns' or 'male pronouns' or 'female pronouns'. some men have she/her as their pronouns and some women have he/him as their pronouns.
if this doesn't make sense to you, consider if you've ever used a gendered term for someone that it didn't fit. have you ever gone up to a group of not just men and said 'hey guys!' and everyone has been comfortable with it? maybe even enjoyed it? there ya go.
still don't understand? that's alright, you don't have to. just respect it.
obviously i cannot speak for what every trans person on the planet wants to hear in class, but this thread was a collaborative effort from a variety of trans people.
obviously i cannot speak for what every trans person on the planet wants to hear in class, but this thread was a collaborative effort from a variety of trans people.
hope this helps but also, i'm more than happy to try to answer questions on this subject.
